Girl, Let’s Talk About the Lies We Tell Ourselves & How to Love What We See in the Mirror

In conjunction with  @blackmenbuild Miami ! Such an honor to be apart of their Women's Circle.

The conversation revolves around the importance of creating a safe space for women to share their experiences and vulnerabilities. It emphasizes the need to identify and challenge the lies we tell ourselves, explore their roots, and practice self-love through affirmations and mirror work. 

The session includes poetry readings by Calvin Early and EPIPhany that express love and the complexities of relationships, reinforcing the theme of self-acceptance and empowerment.

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to the Women's Circle Podcast
• 4:02 Creating a Safe Space for Vulnerability
• 9:49 Identifying and Sharing Personal Lies
• 14:00 Exploring the Roots of Our Lies
• 20:04 Affirmation and Self-Love Exercises
• 27:09 Poetry by Calvin Early & ePIPhany

Transcript

0:00

This is a special, special women's circle place where we hold space for women to share. To be honest, not really a lot of stuff is off topic, but we do have like a sacred word. We can say, I mean, we can choose pineapples for now because I think everybody know what pineapples is. The way that I do women's circle is that I like to collaborate with women in the community and women that are in the circle as well. so Dom has a podcast and I was like, hold up. I was like, could we do a women's circle podcast style? Because I feel like we got a lot to talk about as women. have opinions, sometimes a little bit too much. But it's a safe space or whatnot. And Dom just took it right away and was like, I love it. We can do this. So I'm going to hand it over to Dom because she's going to be the one that's going to take us through. And thank you so much for doing this. And thank you to Joy for allowing us to have this beautiful space. Quickly tell us about co-space. Please tell us. Welcome to co-space. Yay! I'm really happy that you guys are here. I'm honored to be the second location. For those of you who are not familiar with co-space, shame on you. No, just kidding. If you're not familiar with co-space, we are the only black-owned, woman-owned, co-working, dedicated space in the city and surrounding cities. Yo! But more than that, we are a space that where you can feel appreciated and not just tolerated. It is a space that is curated just for you, for us. It is a very blackity black space and you can come here and be productive, be around community, get some work done, do your podcasts, sell your art, like all kinds of things. And it's just a space for us. So find a reason to come back. Please follow me on Instagram, stay connected. If you don't follow me, this is a good time to do it right now. It is the period co-space. So I'm really happy that you guys are here and I hope it's not the last time you're here. Thank you. Thank you, Joy. Well hello everyone how y'all doing? so before we get into everything I'm gonna introduce myself and we are gonna get into some good things but I'm also big on community okay so I'm Dom I am a psychology professor Dom is short for Dominique I've been studying psychology for over a decade now I've been a professor for about six I'm at seven years. We'll say six, just to make sure I'm not overestimating. And my whole thing is about us having a safe space, whether it is virtually, in person, technically, you know how they say you can have church anywhere, even if it's just two people or by yourself. That's how I feel when it comes to our mental health. That's how I feel when it comes to us being balanced. So I will be recording a special edition. of the girl come sit with me podcast today but before we get started y'all this is women's circles so this means there may be moments where you may want to share something you may be inclined to share something but you may say I don't think I want this recorded or I don't think I want the masses this can stay in this room at any moment just know I am perfectly cool with that okay Are we in agreement with the word pineapples or do y'all want to change it? Because pineapples, cool. Okay, so pineapples will be our safe word, okay? So if anytime during our activity, during our exercise, you say pineapples, ay, that's it. Okay, and you still can say whatever you want if you're inclined to share. And then once you're done, then we'll go back to recording, okay? Just want to make sure we fully understand that. All right, y'all ready? Okay, let's get into it. Well, welcome to, girl, come sit with me. This is a safe space for women to feel heard, for us to understand that there is power in vulnerability. And to remember that we don't have to be superwoman. We can take that cape off and we are more than capable of saving the world by saving ourselves, okay? Because the rest of the world technically is not our responsibility. If we hone in on who we are truly, simply being who we are, simply being balanced, things of that nature is going to flow. Just how energy flows is going to flow, okay? So I'm your host Dom. I am also a psych professor as well as a couple other things. I'm a poet. I'm finally starting to share the poetry without being stingy with it. But I'm also a poet, very proud of that. And fun fact, I have a published book that was published like a decade ago, but you don't have to look at it. Yes. So we have a couple of things. I'm a mom, but y'all today, I am just grateful to be where I am today for this special edition. So black men build, they create this safe space, just like this podcast, they create this safe space for women to meet and to truly be who we are and come as we are. and it's called the Women's Circle. So thank you Black Men Build Miami. Also thank you Women's Circle. So grateful Bre decided to have us here today. And y'all we are about to get started. Y'all ready? Okay, so there are times where I notice I'll say it in first person so that way I'm not pushing it on anybody. I like to lie to myself sometimes. And sometimes these lies in my mind do not help me at all. There's times where I say, girl, you don't belong here. And I'm like, wait, this is not serving me. I do belong. I am important, right? There's times where I may lie to myself and be like, ooh, girl, everybody is noticing them five couple pounds you gained in a certain area, but it's not serving me, right? So today what I want us to do is I want us to get rid of the lies. I want us to stop the capping that's in our brains. Cool beans? So if you look under your seats, you can grab a mirror. There'll be a mirror and a marker. Now for some of you who are my daredevils, if you don't have a mirror, can, there may be one underneath another chair for you. That'll work as well. If you don't have one, I do have two mirrors. that cracked a little so be careful of the edges because we can't sue because we're allergic. But if you're a daredevil and you're not clumsy you can feel free to grab one. Does everybody have one? Okay perfect. We Gucci in the coochie y'all. Is lit. Okay I like that. See thank you Joe. See? we getting it. There we go. Yes, we got to make sure we get that, y'all. Now, what I want us to do is I want us to close your eyes. If you feel safe enough, close your eyes. And we are going to inhale and exhale. One more time. Inhale and hold it. One, two, three, exhale. Now I want you to take about three to four minutes to write down the lies that you tell yourself. If you can't think of any lies that you tell yourself, think about what thoughts hold you back. Think of what do you believe about yourself that you wouldn't even say to a friend? And that's what I want you to write that. That's what I want you to write down. It could be one thing, it can be multiple things. Yeah, they're all permanent. Uh-huh lies that you tell yourself that you know are not serving you lies that you tell yourself about yourself Is everyone done? Okay. So does anybody care to share? It could be one thing you wrote. It can be everything you wrote. I'll share it too. Okay. I'm going to work out all day for weeks. I put I'm going to work out five days a week I Put I'm big. I always feel like I'm gaining weight Lord knows I'll be on that table so soon, but I don't want to be on the table So that's my two I'll share this one. I shouldn't leave. I think we all been in places where We know it's time for us to leave. We don't because of comfortability familiarity And then our spirit don't sit well, you know, and then something happens and then God pushes us out of that place. But that's my third one. Thank you for sharing, Bri. Really quick. Can anybody raise their hand? Does anybody experience any of those feelings? Yes, she said, OK, OK. Yeah, I almost feel weird to go because I put almost every single one of those. Yeah, but do you know how powerful you'd be if you were thin, brain over beauty, stuck where you at, you hit 30, that's it for you. Your life and dreams have to wait until little man is grown. I see you in the back. Mine were I'll never have a healthy relationship. I'm not capable of having a successful business. I have to give in order to receive. I will never be truly happy. There will always be something. Nothing I say or do is right. I am not enough. I am not worthy. I'm not doing enough as a mother. I can't leave yet. I'm not ready. I'm unlovable in relationships. I won't be financially successful without a man. Things would be better off without you. I can't... It was just a one-way street at the end. you love them but they don't love you anymore you see them they don't see you anymore so as much as i don't want him anymore I still feel that, which is crazy because like I know it's flourishing. Now that I left, I feel free. But I also have two little boys. Well, no matter how great of a mom I am, can't be, I can't be that masculine energy that they need. And if I could, I would. And I'm begging for them to have it, but they don't get it. So now it's like, I'm stuck teaching them to be okay with getting scraps from. a man, which is the reason why I left. So I want us to really think about and hone in on. Thank you. Where do these thoughts stem from? Where does the lies that you wrote down, where do they stem from? Is it society? Is it societal pressure? Is it internal pressure that we naturally put on ourselves? Does anybody care to share where they think it stems from for you specifically? I can't say, I think it's a multitude of things. I know that for me, the first person that failed me was my father. So a black man failed me early. And I love black men. But I just know that I had a teacher and I didn't, you know, he wasn't there to really give me that masculine love and that energy that I needed because He just wasn't. I feel like I kind of picked up a lot of what I felt was masculine to protect myself. So I had to protect myself. I had to be my own safety. and then just in life, you know, just being a black woman is just like, you know, they just want us to be strong all the time, you know, and we're doing so much and we don't even give our self credit. And I feel like a lot of times like we'll have like maybe some time to just really just sit down and we always like thinking of the next thing to do. you know, and then you look at things too, like, you know, I see a lot of beautiful women here and I don't know what you could be thinking. I could be like, she looks so beautiful. And then you start to think these things like, am I as beautiful as her? You know, or you start to like, and it's your own mind. She didn't even tell me anything, not one thing, you know? And I think that sometimes that can happen. And then the energies that we allow in our space too, because when we allow people in our space, like if it's a partner and there's turmoil there, they say some things that is really hurtful. And if they say it enough, you start to believe it even when they're gone. So it's hard to unlearn. those things about yourself, even though you know it's not true. So I would say those are just a little bit of things that, that I picked up. And I just want to say before I passed the mic, a lot of us said the same thing. So I feel like I feel comfortable being in a space where I'm not the only one that feels that. And I just feel like, you know, everybody here, I don't know what your story is or uh... what happened you know that that made us think this way individually but we're worth it we're worth it like and i'm not saying that as like no cliche thing but i really want everybody to understand that we all have like purpose here uh... and so that all i'm not enough for you know these these these lies that were riding on these mirrors i just want to say that each and every one of you guys are like absolutely beautiful and you deserve to be here because you are here. So if you have breath, you have purpose. So just thank you for sharing and being vulnerable to share. Anybody else? You can say where the lie comes from or I see some of you all still pondering on that. So another question you can answer could also be why does this lie feel so true? Either one of those answers will suffice. Well, I know for me the lie, especially the one of I have to do in order to receive love. That's the only way I got any attention from my mother. Like if I went above and beyond, even just, you know, just being a good kid, but like going above and beyond. That's where my people pleasing stemmed from. So yeah, like just having to constantly show up, being the oldest, A, so I was the oldest of all my siblings. So being the oldest one and my mom constantly telling me that if I don't do, I won't have. So like, know that part, like, the part of me not having healthy relationships stems from A, my dad not being around, not having a good relationship with my mother. I was molested at a young age, so that, and then being in relationships where you give so much, the person just is just taking away and tearing you down. really just made me, especially the last two relationships I was in, like it really like mess with my mental to where like sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and I don't even know how to receive love. You know, I don't even know what love is supposed to look like and or feel like. and also like I feel like if I'm I don't want to be like, I don't want to become like a hard hearted woman. Like I don't want to be that woman that's like, man, ain't this and there's no good. Like I don't want to turn into that woman, but we understand why some of them do. Like I understand why some of them do, you know? So yeah, that, that would just be for me. Like I, my childhood and the relationships in my past. And before the next person, before the next person goes, I'm hearing some reoccurring things. And I want each of us to really understand. And matter of fact, we can say it all together. We're going to say, deserve love. OK? Does that sound realistic? Right? OK. So one, two, three. I deserve love. Let's say it again. One, two, three. I deserve love. Let's do it again. We gotta really hone in on it. One, two, three. I deserve love. One of the things that I am learning, one through my personal therapy, but also when I was going to school for more degrees. But one of the things that I learned is we have to find a way to... You see how you're sitting across from her, y'all two are sitting across from each other right now. May we do a quick exercise? That's fine. Okay, so... Do you think she deserves to be loved? Do you think she is beautiful? Do you think she's deserving of kindness? Do you think she's deserving of kindness? Do you think she's deserving of love? Right? Do you think she's beautiful? So as we can see that in each other, can both of y'all grab your mirrors? Now I want both of you to look in your mirrors. and you're gonna answer these same questions in the mirror. And matter of fact, everyone can grab your mirrors if you have them still, and even if it's a piece of a mirror, right? And we gonna look in it. Now, does the person looking back at you, does that person deserve love? Yes. Does that person deserve kindness? Yes. Is that person beautiful? Yes. Does that person deserve community? Now put your mirrors down, y'all. We deserve what we give out. And sometimes it's easier for us to give out love and help people. Even I noticed I did it even when I was making sure everybody was good. I didn't even write because I wanted to make sure everyone else in here was okay. But just as we can give that out, we can give it to ourselves too. Because technically that's who we should be giving it to first, ourselves. Right? So y'all let's have a little field trip, okay? We gonna have a little field trip if everybody can grab your mirrors and just take a quick walk with me, okay? Mail. Everybody look at your mirrors. Read over what you wrote one more time. And as you're reading over it, I want you all to make sure that you're looking at your reflection in the mirror And I need you to remind yourself that this is a lie Can everybody say this is a lie? This is a lie. This does not serve me And I'm allergic Okay, so what we're gonna do since we are allergic We gone break these holes Okay now When we're all going to throw it at one time on the count of three and when you throw these mirrors, so we don't slide over so that way everybody can throw it this way. But when we throw these, I really want you all to fully understand that you are freeing yourself. So as this shatters, I need you to see this as something that is freeing yourself. So every time this thought tries to pop into your brain because we can't fix our minds in one night. But every time this thought pops into your mind, into your brain, anything like that, we're gonna replace that thought with something else. I don't care if it's a favorite song, a favorite lyric, your favorite person, a face of a person that you miss, anything that is no longer this thought or these thoughts, okay? You see that? You see how that's working? Our mind naturally goes into habits. And sometimes these thoughts become habits. These limiting beliefs, thank you so much, becomes habits. And today we're getting rid of them, okay? So let's slide on over. There we go, one. Now if you need to scream, that's okay. If you gonna cry when you do it, that's okay. If you wanna cuss this bitch, That's okay. Okay? Everybody get it? Y'all feel it? Alright, so back up a little bit. Y'all can't sue me now. Can't sue, girl. Come sit with me. One, two, three. Fuck you! And did it not break? Guess what? Bitch. Oh, don't worry. I know how to stomp. That's that island side. Okay. Now, how did that feel? I still see more. no. I'll let you do that when you got the clothes. So there we go. There we go. That one is stubborn. If anyone else wants to take a stomp, feel free. All right, y'all, so now we can head on back in and have some fun, OK? So I want to share a piece with you. Bree asked me to do a piece about black women. I said, interestingly enough, I don't have any, you know what saying, my sister, you know what saying? got no poems about my sister as my queen. got to write me one of them. Let me tell you something back. Queen, you know? But I do have some love pieces that I haven't shared in a while because, know, but I do want to still feel the same type of love that this poem expresses. So. One thing that I've learned over time through my friendships and through the people closest to me is that when we communicate, we have to investigate, right? Not everyone communicates the same. Sometimes we got to ask a few more questions, you know, a woman might make you something to eat or a friend might make you something to eat and they say, does it have enough salt? What they're really asking is does it taste good? She acts if her hair looks better up or down. It means am I still pretty to you? When she asks me for the time, when she asks me for the time, I know that this means is it real? Staring at her face like a blank canvas, I'm without direction, but I know this. I know she bends back the minutes to make the hours stretch. And although I'm never on time, she's what I found while running late. So I learned to set my watch to the speed of her blink and she misses nothing but the smell of my day and the taste of the night before. I like her best before coffee, before cell phones come between us and when the sun winks we love like virgins. She admires my ethics. I admire how she never questions my methods before her just kisses the bruises from the bar fights and we laugh about the cork shaped scar on my liver. She reminds me that the trouble with the message in the bottle is you gotta empty it first. She put her trust in the drifter. We were tourists before this. I was a passionate traveler. She was on vacation from her current relationship. And she suggests that we chuck that baggage overboard. I oblige her full consent. And I've been keeping time of assent. I told her one day the road got so heavy beneath me, I started walking on my hands. She said, when it hurts for shelter, put them together like a house. She's the reason I know God gives second chances. I know men are made of the parts he thought to be logical, but women are made of the pieces he found to be interesting. I know that she is art, a mosaic and a kaleidoscope, a poem folded into a paper airplane like a Like a fighter pilot flying an ink jet and she's fine print. But I don't mind the reading. Come on, just never mind the reading her mind. I study her movement. I know she was a dancer before she met me, but I don't think walking on eggshells is a part of her calling. And this might sound strange to y'all, but this might sound really strange to y'all. I know she loves like a roach. Lord. See the problem is you're not thinking about it right. You got to expand your thinking right now. You have dealt with a roach. You have dealt with a real day county roach. Got it out the mud roach. I'm not talking about no you think about regular regular roaches I'm talking about roaches that survived the boom Roaches that survived mid-flight roaches that survived raid they left that I'm talking about you walk away for a second to go get a nap Can you come back? He halfway across the room He's trying to he got the stay he got the stay he's not canceled. He's not allergic He's not allergic. He's present. Break the mirror, break whatever you want. He's going nowhere. But if that's too hard for you to understand, we'll say she loves like the part of death that lives on in our hearts. And I know she's just looking for reassurance, but I'm never sure how to reply when she asks me for the time. So this time, I inhale deep, I sigh and I reply. To the end, I will love you with all that I have left. You are my now and my next. The first thing I think of when the day has me by the neck, so I will continue to give you my breath. On the days when you find it hard to breathe and I can see that you've been picking at the scabs in your past like fish bones, when the beauty in the mirror is no longer enough to remind you that you are beautiful, I will remind you that you are beautiful and you are reflection of the gift that God made you and I have wanted you since the day before we met. I fell in love with the you that you don't even know yet. You are my life. I am your soul man. We are war horse ducking buck shots in the thick of things and we are not always solid. Some days we are a lot more like a handful of broken glass at the bottom of a beautiful vase and even on these days other people are still able to appreciate us for the art we are not. We are not perfect. This love is not always ideal but this shit is always on time. for that reason, it will always be real. Thank you. Thank you all for having me. Alright, speak slow bro. Hey everybody, I am Epiphany, affectionately known as Piff. I am in the writing phase of my second book. I want to do a poem from my book called When the Blue Jay Sings. I'm in a season of accountability with myself, which is a little hard. when you think you know everything. So I'm just going to do this one piece and then I'll do like a piece piece. know what mean? Cool. So this is called long live to op. I taught in the correctional facilities and I had a student who passed and that was very hard for me and it's why I haven't gone back. And I'm like now actively grieving that situation. So to op died how he lived and no one grieves the mess they made. A monster they sculpted is put to rest with less than half the noise. I begged him to confront his demons and he befriended them, found them trophies to be fond of. I spend mornings telling myself I'm not a character in his story, just a passing limerick of the life already penned for him. I am not a song, just a surprising refrain. He told me no one gave a fuck and he didn't lie when he said it, so I believed him. Or is it the other way around? And with blood on my hands I pray for forgiveness. There was negligence in my mentorship, easily mistaken for malice if accountability finds the room we in to walk. died how he lived. And now I'm grieving a mess I made a boy who I held a mirror to became narcissists and drowned in the beauty of his work. So thank you. Hey, come on. Thank you. you. I'm also very big on like honoring people who are no longer here with us. The more you say their names, the longer they live. So that's for two up. thinking on the piece thinking on the piece. Calvin came in here all love-a-licious and I was just, you know what I mean? was trying to, okay, cool. So I can be a hater a little bit. You can always be a hater. Tell us how you feel. It's just a little bit of hater. It's just the tinge of haterism. Like start off with us. So, um. I found love in the way you squint your eyes when a laugh is real. Found joy in the way your voice creaks and excitement. feel safe in those planets you call palms. There are psalms in the way you hold me. Ain't it but a song how we sit in between the breaths of our passion. I could sit here with you forever and it feel more like yesterday than tomorrow. be calm. You know no steel like the one I love. He type to make waves fall to hush with a touch stoicism. is an understatement I found bliss in the way you crinkled your nose two Saturdays ago a score from today I could still script the way you killing me softly Refuge in that safe haven of a heart hold that life imitates art this way my muse Zeus, Calliope, don't lie to me you've a world of carnivals buried in the pits of your face your breath is southern roots city boy meets 808's I'd steal sons from God a few times over heaven must taste the way you walk smell how you see I'd sell my teeth to see you happy You deserve so much more than I can find to give I dig to the core of a galaxy to know what makes you stutter but ain't it like a poet? To make sonnets of the way you blink and haikus of the seats in between your eyelashes ain't it like an artist? To free verse the curvature of your ear and find cryptic message in the crease of your brow your voice is the island of sirens I'm in a scary place the point of no return a forbidden chapter our love bears strange fruit yet and still I find pain in the way the routine no longer riots your core You don't look at me the same and I can smell it faintly I'm more woody than Buzz Lightyear It's quite clear there are signs of arrhythmia distortions in this pattern and I can't discern a disease from a symptom, a cure or a cause I found pause in the way you managed to take my breath away managed to keep me tethered to your beck and call you say sit, I sink, you say leap, I jump unrequited obsession make you desperate this way my wall scorpion, orato, a lot more lies than made they way from your lips but ain't it real to me? to see you for who you are and not what you could be. Ain't it novice of me to fall in love with the bullshit, write a poem and tell it to the world. Hey. I wanted to say that everyone here is deserving of love, not just from other people, but from yourselves, right? You're deserving to give yourself love and that understanding that mirror work is very powerful. So make sure that you are affirming yourself in the mirror. Make sure you are saying the things that sometimes even if you don't believe it, but make eye contact with yourself, write it on the mirror every day and affirm yourself. Even the things that you feel weak about. Change your language towards yourself. And that's how we change with it. Every day, just pouring that into ourselves. To hear that all of us are suffering in similar ways, but just know that you have the power to change that. Nobody can change it for you. You have the power to change that.