Girl, Your Trauma Has Expired: Unlock the New You w/Coffee

In this conversation, the host Dom and guest Coffee of Unlocked Brims explore the themes of vulnerability, healing, and personal growth. They discuss the complexities of healing from trauma, the importance of storytelling, and the impact of military experiences on mental health. 

The dialogue emphasizes the significance of surrounding oneself with supportive people and acknowledges the ongoing nature of healing. The conversation also touches on generational trauma and the importance of open communication in relationships.

takeaways

• Healing is a continuous process, not a destination.
• Trauma can leave lasting impacts that require ongoing attention.
• Storytelling can be a powerful tool for healing and connection.
• Surrounding yourself with the right people is crucial for mental health.
• Acknowledging pain is the first step towards healing.
• Generational trauma can influence personal reactions and behaviors.
• Resilience is built through facing and overcoming challenges.
• It's important to recognize and celebrate personal growth.
• The three A's—Acknowledgment, Acceptance, Action—are key to change.
• Your experiences can inspire and help others navigate their struggles.

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to Vulnerability and Healing
• 2:23 Understanding the Healing Process
• 5:33 The Impact of Trauma and Resilience
• 11:09 The Importance of Storytelling and Connection
• 17:15 Navigating Anxiety and Mental Health
• 22:21 Lessons from Military Experience
• 27:25 Generational Trauma and Personal Growth
• 33:41 The Three A's: Acknowledgment, Acceptance, Action

Transcript

0:00

Welcome to girl come sit with me. I am your host Dom and this is a safe space where we focus on understanding the power of vulnerability. So today I have my special y'all special guest is a understatement. Okay. Not only is it she an entrepreneur, not only is she a veteran, a mother. Come on. She is also the owner of Unlock Gramps. Thank you very much. And she is my big cousin who, y'all, I looked up to her since I was a little girl. Okay? So this is my cousin, Kofi. Hey, hey, hey. It's so amazing to be here. So first, I want to say thank you, cousin. For acknowledging me. Of course. To come sit on your podcast. To sit down with you. And to just say, Thank you for watching my story. You cause it's a different view when somebody is living it versus somebody watching it. So for you to see me and see my journey and see what I'm doing and see unlock brahms, I think for you. girl, I'm moving. Yes, girl. When I tell you, I love seeing the growth and not growth as in bottom of the map growth. Cause that was not necessarily. her story or our story, it's more so of just watching her be authentically herself since we were kids. And she's my big cousin, so she used to have to watch all of us. my gosh. my goodness, she used to have to watch all of us, protect us, make sure if we got in trouble, she got in trouble. Definitely a couple of those lonely. But she was always so self-assured and self-aware. No matter what phase it was in life, she knew exactly who she was. She knew exactly how things are gonna go and what was not going to fly. And she had no issues saying no from the beginning. Pure pro at it, okay? But today, I have a really big question to ask you, okay? So, my question to you is, what is one thing that people get wrong about healing? Woo. Yes. That, for me, that you are truly healed when you believe you're healed. I don't think you ever really are healed because trauma is forever lasting in the sense of if you stub your toe and you walk around the bed, every time you walk around that bed. You gonna think about that time. You gonna think about that time. You stub your toe. So even though you know you may not stub your toe this time, you gonna shred a certain type of way around that bed. That's true. That's learning. That's learning. That's learning. It's a long behavior. You're gonna remember, if I get too close or walk too crazy or don't pay attention, what's gonna happen? The potential is I may stub my toe. Again. Again. And that pain is gonna do what? Okay. I see what you're saying. And you know, it's funny because earlier this week, I already was like, oh, you know, I've healed. For those of you new to the podcast, I am a divorcee. And I really was like, oh yeah, I'm healed, woop, woop, things like that. When I tell you the residuals though, they are real. And I'm realizing that there's levels to healing. So yes, it's continuous. Completely agree with that. And it's levels to it, yes. And I'm at a level where I've healed to a point where, okay, I no longer want that individual. I no longer want that situation, but I'm not healed. I'm not above being a tricker. And I've had several of those moments. Certain shows I may watch. A song. Oh my goodness. A song and I'm just like, ah, okay. Or I look off into the sky, I drop the kids off and I just, mm. Okay, good. Okay, this is... This is what's going on right now. I don't like it. Yeah. Yeah, no. It's a process. I don't like it. And I'm gonna tell you, to be honest, I... I said this the other day and I use the analogy of being at bat and the baseball. You know, you're getting ready to go to the leagues or you're trying to prepare and you're going to the gym, you're testing out bats, you're going against squads. You're trying to know, when you get to home base, your body is prepared, you're a scorer. You know, you have got any machines. You try to get every ball to come to you and prepare for any fastball, any curveball. And then you get hit with a ball. That you was not prepared for. And it knocks you off. And when you get hit by that fastball, you look down at the picture, like, hold on. Yeah, fast. I've been preparing. I'm thinking that I've watched every movie. I've talked to everybody. I've read a book. I've heard. I've listened. I've heard. You know what saying? And then that ball hits you. And I said, I'm never healed. from a fall. I've never actually went through that hidden process because I've always said, if I'm going to fall, if when I'm in the fall, I'm so prepared to get away from the fall and heal from it get through it. You know what? I gotta bounce back. I've never sat down and healed from something. I never went through that process to say, okay, you really got to go through. like, I went through, let me find the next thing to get through it. So when somebody say, I'm going through a healing process, do you really? Yeah. Or do you find something else to take your mind off of what you're going through so you don't have to face that pain as hard as it is so that you don't feel it? I know I felt significantly better when I started going through the pain. Because I couldn't acknowledge the pain. Because it hurt. I was at a point where I just could not acknowledge the pain. It seemed like I almost had to muster up the courage to acknowledge the pain, to even think about allowing myself to experience the pain so I can work through it. So for a while, I was avoiding it as much as I could. Like, I knew I was having moments where I didn't want to get out of bed. I knew I was having moments where I didn't want to leave my house to do anything, not to go to work. I was, wanna, on my virtual classes I was teaching, didn't even wanna have a camera on. I'm teaching them while I'm laying down in bed, because I just did not. You didn't it. Didn't have it. Okay, did not have it. And I really had to really allow myself to acknowledge, like, this sucks. Yeah. This sucks. And that's insane. That's insane. Because I'm like, for you, what helps you navigate through the pain? Put my stories on the ground. What you mean? So when I was hired, I'm the military. So I'm the military. You know, people think that it's going to be this grand thing. You you have this process. And I knew, you know, watching my husband. go through depression, go through that bowel of PTSD, anxiety. And I'm like, I'm not gonna go through it. I'm gonna be myself. snap. Right. Okay. I'm gonna get a head of the game. Yeah. I'm not gonna be like my 100th. I'm not gonna be like everybody else. Yeah. Life. And even in all the preparation, seeing the signs, knowing exactly what's gonna happen. I still went through it. I still, I'm talking about days of what? am I going to do with the rest of my life? Now I feel like, okay, now I'm 18, what do I do now? And so I had a dream. I kept having this dream. I was lost. Like I was depressed, I was lost. was really unhappy with them myself. It had nothing to do with family, kids, marriage, finances. It was just me. It was just you. It was just me. Yeah. Because I was living for everybody else. And you also kept re-signing up when you was in. So... She kept signing up. I don't know if anyone knows how to her words, but you can keep registering. someone... Re-list. There you go. Someone kept re-listing. I did. Because I believed in finishing something I started, which was my career. And I didn't have an option to come home. See, it's a difference. Yeah. It's a difference when you have an option to come home and find another way. You know what saying? No, no, no, you you're gonna finish where you started. And so I did not know that. But you know, but I love that part about my mom, like the strength that she instilled in me, I would never take that away from me or her giving it to me because in the military, getting through Margaret, I was able to get through war five times over. Yeah. You know what I mean? And so just even know, going through and then they put my phone on the brim. So, like, having that dream was like, why am I putting buttons on the brim? Why do I need to tell these stories? And it was like, all of these people, all these things, all these people I became that nobody got to see. Even when I came to ask y'all, said, cousin, who am I? Do you know me? Yeah. And it's because the lessons, that experience, all the things in my experience in life that y'all never seen and you have to overcome. And it's like, every time you came back home, it felt like we had to relearn you. Yeah. Because you was a different person every time. Every time, because I had new experiences. And see, I was so young, I didn't understand that. was just like, I was like, how she keep reinventing herself, right? It didn't dawn on me. Now that I'm older, I understand, hey, that's growth. Yeah. That's experience. I really had to see it as more experience. Yes, I had to experience it for myself to say, snap, we really do. Yeah. Experience in life and as you get older. You change. You change. Boundaries change. The feelings change. get better. Yeah. Yeah. And it's so something I dream. It was like, why am I putting buttons on the ground? What? What? And I kept having this dream over and over for three months. And finally I did it. And when I tell you, it was like a door opened up for me that I wasn't aware that was closed. And my friends tell my story better than me because like I say, I don't see me. I don't watch my movie. And so when I started telling, putting my experiences, my journey on my friends, it was like, people started seeing them and they became names. They became part of me and it was like, wait a minute. If I give you Venice, I'm giving you a piece of me. I may not get this back. And so it was like the pain and hurt. And then I started to fly. Wait a minute. I can't put my pain. I can't put my hurt, I can't put my disappointment, I can't put my letdowns and my fears on somebody else's crown. So it's certain brands that people like, why don't you, why won't you sell this? Why won't you sell it? Why won't you give this away? They're like, why won't you, even if somebody asks you, they'll give you a thousand dollars. I the pain that's in that. It wouldn't be fair. It wouldn't be fair to put that on somebody else. And so... With my brims, I've started putting it, it transitioned to a key, a cog, and a button. And so each brim comes the key, a cog, and a button. And the key represents you're never facing a door locked in life. The card represents time. Time is on your side. Be easy, wisely. And the button represents security. There's no person that don't want the door open more than I am. Or to feel secure within themselves. I don't put that anywhere else on your body. I don't put that on your pants. Nowhere. I put that on your crown, on your crown, on your head. Because how often do we go through life and we go through situations, trials and tribulations, and we forget that one situation that pushed us forward to get to the next? Yup. I can't believe I'm pulling through this. And I might not remember this song. I don't remember your song. And so you were in that room. If somebody asks you, where did you get that from? Man, this my brim, this my story. This a part. so that's what made the brim so important to me. Like, can I put your story, can I make you remember how special you are? Can I make you remember the importance of you? And even being a veteran, I lost me. I lost me being in the military. I lost me being married. I lost me being friends. I lost me being a cousin, a daughter, you know, all of those things. All these different hats. All these different hats we wear, nobody get to see. Show the world. So the caveat is, I don't want the story where you got a podcast baby. You got a little money in your pocket. Now you can go teach your class. I want that story where you said, I didn't want to get up to her. Yeah. I didn't want to eat. I didn't have it in me. I didn't have it in me. But I want you to remember that most important part, that it was you. that continued on every moment, even when it was hard. Even when it was hard. Even when it was challenging. And even when it was scary. Even when it was scary. But you did it. And if you can put that on the brim, if you can wear it and wear it boldly, and know that you're carrying a part of me with you, baby, you can face the world. That's why I say everybody can wear this brim. I like that. You can't just put one of my brims on and say, got, oh, this is a lot of brim. No, no, no. Because you know, it's a story about it. It's a name. It's a purpose. It's a part of me. And it's personalized by every individual. And I can't make the same one again. I can't beat that person that made that broom again. That's why. she has an entire studio where she creates her brooms in her home. Yes. And by entire studio, I mean, y'all. It's about the size of some people's houses. Probably the size of my house. My house is a decent size. I'm just, okay. So when you go there, it is literally, you see the brims that she made all around. And it's interesting because knowing bits and pieces of your story, as a cousin, I'm like, I see this. I understand this. Hence why I was crying in your basement this You know it happens. I know exactly. I have no idea exactly where she was in her last year. And now that I'm older, it's like I've experienced that as well. Yeah. One of them took me out. So one of them, excuse me, reminded me of, so my best friend passed away a couple of years ago. were best friends since elementary school and she passed away and it reminded me. one of them reminded me of her and like some of her trauma. I remember. And I was like, what in the world? Yeah. It happens. And it's so crazy because everywhere I go, people ask me, they're can I record that? And I was on the phone with somebody, they were like, are you reading this to me? Are you reading something? And you know, I'm like, you can ask me anytime. I can repeat this any given moment because it's my truth. Um, and it's been a process and I tell you personally, you know, in this journey of, you know, going through unlocked realms and coming out of healing, you never, I'm never coming out. Like even going through coming, becoming a designer, I'm like trying to heal from my trauma of being in the military, have a PTSD, um, dealing with anxiety every day. Right. People think that it's easy. It's not. It is so challenging to heal from that because everything could be a trigger. Walking down the street, seeing people across the street can remind me of that moment. And it's like, oh my gosh, it's horrible to people, it's a crowd. It could be anything. It could be anything, any moment. any moment. And I have to remember I'm always constantly grinding myself. Remember, okay, you're safe. What do you feel? What do you touch? What do you smell? What can you see? Are you safe? To help put you, set you back in that moment. And I've had anxiety attacks and nobody would know and I'm sitting there. Hey, I do that. I do that. Like, I would have a full, well, these days people call it the crash out. But I have a full and girl, yes, they call it, they're like, oh, I'm about to crash out. And I'm like. It sounds like you're just about to have a nervous breakdown or an anxiety attack. Let's unpack this. Yeah, girl. Yeah, no. And I'll just sit there and I mean days out, on the inside, know. Heart palpitations, you know, just feeling everything. And I have to do exactly what you said. have to ground myself to bring myself back. But I like that. Remind me of something to say. Yeah, because that's a big one. That's a big one. Reminding yourself that you are safe is a big one. Because it's so easy to feel you could be gone in a split second. It's so easy to feel safe. Because I swear, know, in the hidden process, it's about surrounding yourself with the right people. And I had to learn that even when I... I would have anxiety attacks coming around people and I didn't understand why I was getting so antsy. And I'm like, this person really ain't right for me. My energy is telling me something is wrong, but us as people, we trying to dismiss those red flags that our body is naturally telling us, hey, this is danger, caution. Yep. Hey, red flag, stop, wait, pause. we're gonna run backwards. And what we do? Charge! You know, and so I had to be in a place where to go against my kind of productive cause. That's, it's called, so when I was in the military I was due, MIT is also, is resiliency training. And so it's this one thing that I continuously, I live by to this day. It's RTR. It's the real time resiliency. And real time resiliency is just like the Hilda Price that's born through that, is fighting those counterproductive thoughts in the moment. Like that's hard to do in the moment. With truth. With truth. Wait, that's whole nother level of self-awareness to do that. Wait now. In real time. In real time. So how do you... So imagine, let's give you a comment, I mean, we're saying how... You know, you was, you ain't wanna, you ain't wanna get on and do, you was a professor. You wanna go online, you wanna do your face. I don't wanna be a professor right now, I'm depressed. You know what, I'm an amazing professor. These students love me. They still want me to teach them, regardless of what pain I'm going through. I still in grade. I went to school for this. You understand what I'm So fight, you know. Anything could be negative. know, anything could be adversity. Even having a baby, you think you have a baby, no, I have to bills, pampers, my gosh, 20 years of most stuff. That's a million dollars. You're going to into having a baby. And that's what you want. That's what that's what. And so the adversity is, you know, this thing is not going to be a burden. I'm gonna have all the financial things I need to take care of this baby. I'm gonna be a great mother. I'm gonna be a great mother. I'm gonna be a great father. The university is gonna provide me. My God is gonna provide me. You know what I'm I'm not gonna have trouble. I'm not gonna run into... That's not my story. That, I always tell myself. It's not my story. That's not my story. Right. My manager said, she said, amazing and wonderful things is gonna happen today. Yeah. And so I've been... It's a great day. Wonderful things don't happen. Something amazing is gonna happen to you. And so when I started evaporating that, it gave me a different perspective because we could often get so caught up in the negative. And that's why I say, that counterproductive thought with those real time resiliency. You know, make sure that I love, that's why I say I go back and use my military experience to get me through. you, I did 21 years and I'm what's the one thing I would take away even going through trauma and healing and the process, the greatest gift? that the minister gave me, the army itself. Listen, it's in the song. It says the army goes rolling along. even think about it in war. Family, anything that go on, the military continues to move forward. Regardless. Regardless. What's going on? keep on. Any setback. And the army gave us 10 days. They you 10 days to mourn. Yeah. And you got to put your boots back on, baby. That was wild. When Auntie, so my aunt. My grandma. It's her grandma, because our grandmas are sisters. Yes. And they were like this. And that was my baby. Okay, so her grandma's her baby, my granny's my baby, and both of them were each other's baby. When I tell y'all, it was insane because we have several members in our family. have been in the military, the army, things like that, and the fact that y'all only had a couple a day, yeah. I don't know how it did. You have 10 days when you have a death. A couple of days? Yeah. And then you have to your boot back on and you have to go to work. And I, let me tell you, I was in Iraq when grandmother passed away. I remember that part. And I remember them telling me, they was like, they told, so I remember my father, they told me, they was like, well, how do we know that your grandmother is your maternal grandmother? What? I tell you no lies, we're gonna just show y'all bitch, baby. I told my captain, I said I got 210 rounds. That lady is like, I'm going home to see my grandmother. And I don't go home to see nobody else. I'm going home for that one. know, and so, listen, that lady, she told me one thing through every combat. She said, I'd rather for you to be just by 12 than carried by six. And every mission I went on, Every time I would do something, I remember that, know, and with that, and I say the ministry kept me strong. It kept me being in the process of you can't stay in this. You have to keep going. You got to keep going. have to keep going. When I say, because this hidden process, and I love your podcast, even its topic, because like being a suicide individual, having to understand the mindset of how... How do you become, how does somebody think about suicide? How do you, do you ever think about that? Yeah. Yeah. It's a real thing. It's a real thing. It's a real thing. I would, and let me say something. I joke about it amongst my friends, but it's, and I say, my pride and ego wouldn't let me do it. I feel you in there. You understand what I'm saying? I feel you in there wholeheartedly. I've talked so much noise and I have, I've told people, there is no way. You gonna let the world copy you. You not gonna tell me you're mentally weak to anything on this earth that copy you. I was like, you cannot be caught about nothing. That man is nothing on this earth that can copy you. You the only person that can reach you first. And you can make it through it all. You can make it through. You can make it through it all. Baby, you know what I'm I remember one time I was going through, cause I was going through. I called one of my other cousins at 11 o'clock. I was in Kentucky. And I sit there and I called my cousin, Gwam. Oh, come on. on. Yes. Baby, she said, cousin, you'll never call me this late. Mm-hmm. What's wrong? And I said, cousin, I'll have to walk in front of this thing to you. Nobody will know. And she's like, cousin. And I said, cousin, I know, but I talked to Ms. Morris. But in that moment, you know, you, and that's why I say it's important to have those, right people around to bring you out. And who can get through to you? Cause you have to have people around you that you feel safe enough and you trust enough to where they can get through you when no one else can get through you. Cause I guess you're different if somebody else look me in my eyes versus coffee look me in my eyes. It's a whole nother ball game. Anybody else won't get a tear out of me. My eyes won't take nothing. But it's certain people when they get through to you, you know. Yeah. And so with that it was like, and I see every person that I've motivated, know, every person that I talk to every soldier, even every woman that I talk to now. And I asked them, I have to ask myself this question. Even when I ask you, like, am I? Who do you know? Yeah. I asked myself, and I'm like, who am I? Yeah. Because I'm reinventing myself every day. Because trauma doesn't allow you to be that same person. There's no way I'm that person that I was yesterday. Because the heartache that I felt yesterday is not the same heartache that I feel today. Though it still hurts, but it's a little bit less. It's a little bit lighter. You know, it's not as heavy. know? And so now, and I say, as you go through trauma, it gets lighter. Doesn't mean it's not gonna hurt. Doesn't mean that song that y'all sung together. that you remember the laughs and the cries and the, you know. Does that mean you're not gonna have those memories? No, that's gonna be memories that you're gonna think forever with you. And it makes you who you are. And even everything I went through and the one thing I can say that I would say to take with you as a human, pain knows ten. Desiree. I don't care what country you live in, baby. If you stop your talk, hey, what you gonna say? So you understand the tone. And everybody gonna understand that no matter what language it is. Even if they don't understand a word, they understand the conviction. They gonna feel the pain. that's why I tell people there is no scale that says your pain is greater than mine. And it's not a competition. If you said me I hurt you, you say, cousin, you did this to me and it hurt me, right? If I come back and say, cousin, I'm sorry, I hurt you. Why? Well, I mean, the reason why I did this reaction was because your initial action was this. And this action hurt me, caused me to respond like this. This not me taking away from your hurt. You're hurting. I'm just telling you. what the action was. And sometimes people get, this is for my own self and this is me going through my generation. I had to go through my own, figure out my own generation curses, why I'm responding and reacting to actions the way I am. certain way. Because I'm still living in the reactions of my mother, the reactions of my father, you know what saying? Either reactions of myself. Yeah. So when you figure out that you're living in reaction, what's the action that caused you to do that? Why are you responding to trauma a certain way? What was the trauma of your mother that she responded to that trauma that now it's a trigger for you to respond that same way? Girl, moving. See? That's real because, so, my mom and I, for those of you who don't know, my granny passed away last year. And, yeah, in our family, like, the women were like this. We're very, close, very, very tight-knit. Like, we watched our grandmothers be best friends. Not only be sisters, but be best friends. It's like, through dementia, Alzheimer's. Oh, man. Even when Auntie, when her grandmother didn't remember... Nothing. Nothing. She remembered her baby sister, which was my granny. The last time she called, before her last stroke, was when she bought me. Mm-hmm. Yup. You know, even as granny started to, like, forget her memory, she still remembered that call. Yeah. And she would still cry about that call. She would cry about that call and when their mom passed away. I could tell you the whole story about what. Yeah. And that was even through her intervention. She still, that never left her. Never left her. So when you say pain, nose pain, and how it doesn't necessarily leave us, it's a real thing. like, one of the things that my mom and I have been doing lately is, okay, she may react a certain way when I tell her something and I'm like, hey, mom, I already know you won't react like this, but I'ma just tell you how it made me feel. Or how about we tailor it so it doesn't have to be this way. And then she'll do the same thing with you. She'll be like, I'm not one of the kids. I don't like. I don't like that. I'm like, okay, so how can I do this differently? Or can you at least let me know when I'm doing it? But sometimes I do it and don't even realize. Because you're in a response. Yes. In a reaction. I'm in a reaction and don't even realize that this is how I'm reacting. So it's literally about acknowledging where we are with each person's point of view, understanding it, but it also takes two kids to take them. So we're able to do it because both of us are willing to do it. Doesn't mean we don't clash sometimes, because that's growth telling. But that's amazing. I was having a baby with my mom, we've been doing that. That's amazing. It's hard. I'm going tell you, hey, hey, now, it's not the easiest thing, but it's worth it. It's like you see the growth, and now my kids, my boys are watching it too. So they're like, oh, OK, so I even watched Sir Ron's this year, and I did something to my baby, my three-year-old. And he was just, I was like, Don't do that. I don't like when you do that. And I said it's stirring his head, seriously his head. And he was like, okay, I'm starting to not him. And I was like, okay. It just, it made my heart melt because. we're communicating. We're healing. We are, even how you were saying earlier, when you were talking about you were pushing through the setbacks. Girl, that's going to help someone because. Those setbacks can just feel like they're coming back to back to back sometimes. And it's almost as if I'm learning that I'm getting to a place where it's harder for someone to rattle me. It's harder for people to rattle me, but that's only because I'm settling into who I am this season. You're not settling. So much so. One thing you see, if you settle at me, you're going to stay that place. yeah, no. Okay. See, yeah, we know, okay, so we'll change that. So we will say, because we're not doing that either. Yeah, you still changing, I changed the word. You're evolving. I'm evolving. phase. Yes, that's exactly what You go to a different phase all the time, and that's okay. And I like it, because I feel like it. When I tell you, I like it, it's okay to be, and I call it, to be in the place that I call the three A's. Acknowledgement, acceptance, and taking purposeful actions of change. see, what mean? So once you acknowledge that, like you said, okay, I acknowledge that me and mom acknowledge the communication style, those are barriers. Okay, let's acknowledge this issue. We're gonna accept that we're going to make purposeful action to change. Yeah. You see what I'm saying? We're gonna accept that. We're accepting that something's wrong. Now we're gonna take purposeful action. Yeah. The three A's. The three A's. I love that. acceptance. Acceptance and action. I love that because when it comes to doing the work and even with any type of relationship, I'm realizing, yes, both parties have to be willing to, but you also have to be in a place where both of y'all trust each other. Like, my mom been my best friend forever, and it's just, I'm a little girl. I wish I had any relationships. I used be so jealous of that. Like, best friend. Everybody feel like I failed her too much. Y'all had the, all the cousins was jealous of y'all relationship. Wow. I am so serious. I used to be like, I wish. Y'all, even on Bobby and your mom, because they were best friends. had the best relationship. And I used to be like, oh my gosh. I wish I had a relationship with my mom or dad. Don't get me wrong, my mom, have, you know, we have relationships. Yeah, I know y'all good. But, you know, just to have that different dynamics, you know, that sisterhood, you know, to where you can go and tell her anything and talk about some things. You know, my mom, she's old school, certain things, you know, talk about what? we talk about that, your friend. Yeah. So, you know, you have that, you have that, but your relationship is amazing. I... have always been like, yo, I wouldn't have that type of relationship with my kids. And so even with that, like me and my mom, we didn't have that emotional connection to where it was all lovey-dovey. So I, even with going into the military, having my first child, it was emotional detachment because going in combat, you mentally and emotionally cannot stay connected. You have to disconnect. You have to disconnect because in combat, you're thinking, if I'm thinking of somebody at I'm distracted. I'm distracted. I cannot focus on the task at hand and the task at hand, I can't come back alive. And I got other people around me depending on you, because you to be focused, it was high rates. So, and then you get you in combat, you got other people that you got to look out for, looking out for the enemy, making sure that you visually. And then you still got to focus on all your other stressors, you know, their stressors. So imagine your stress level at a thousand, but you got to show you at 30. That's stressing itself. So then I'm detached from my son, so now I'm trying to keep that. So now our relationship is just a dream because now I'm like, okay, if I keep him in this place, I know that if something happens to me, he'll be okay. If I raise him to be independent, he's going to be okay. But then I raised him without that affection. Yeah. Because now I want you to be strong. Yeah. I don't want you to rely on emotions. I don't want you to be soft. need for you to be hard because I need to make sure you're okay and the world's not gonna be the easy And the world is not, and you a black lady. Yeah. So I can't be a soft black woman raising you, so go out into this world to face it and think it's gonna be sweet. Yeah. Because it ain't sweet to me. So I know it's not gonna be sweet to It's not gonna be sweet to you. And I can bend my eyes and twist my hips. What you want me to Yeah. And so, you know, and now having my second son at a later age, changed it. Even now my son, like me and Troy, we have a great relationship. We talk more. Now I'm like, I don't want to change that. It's up to me as a parent to say, I don't want that. know, a strange relationship. I want to have that connection with my son. I want him to be able to talk to me and be open and be able to say, hey, mom, I'm concerned about that. And we have those open, you know, open communication, you know, styles and talking about that. And I love it because it was not like that. And even my baby now, he's 10 and he's still so close. I was going say he's very affectionate. Yes. And I love it because I didn't have that. You know, so it's amazing to have it, but it's a part of, you know, like I said, evolving and changing and getting better. Cause as you grow, you're not going to be the same old nature. Yeah. Yeah. You know what saying? You're going to be through this process. You may have your whole mother man falling in love and now you're in a different family. So now your affection is different, you know, cause now you're seeing a parent, I got to make sure I got to take care of her. I be strong, try to get through this process. So I need for y'all to be on one, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Mm-hmm. Exactly. When you fall in love, you a little bit more calm, and now everything's good. You could be on one, seven, eight, 12, 23. Yeah. You know what I feel what you're saying. Uh-huh. Yeah. So it's okay, Yeah, it's across us, and it's rote when you really think about it. And even with us as we go through life and we... I feel like with our family, we learned how to survive. Regardless, we learned. how to be in a collective because sometimes if one got in trouble, we all got in trouble. Line them up. Line them up, you know? And I was the good one. I feel like I was the angel growing up compared to everyone else. Yeah, because you was a nerd and you was doing everything. Yeah. Yeah, you stay out of trouble. So that's why we used to push you. We didn't ever let you get in trouble. Yep. She couldn't hang out with us because... You were going to school, and you were doing what we wanted, you know what saying? I look at the two folks like, mm-hmm, you can't get in trouble with us. Yep. You can't get in trouble with us. Even when I wanted to a couple of times, like, no, like, I can do it. They're like, mm-mm, mm-mm. So for us to have that solid foundation of knowing how to survive and watching our parents be the best that they can be, and also, you know, their lowest moments, we were able to see those dynamics. So where now I feel is so, yes, we watched them thrive, but watching us thrive now is literally, it's like, it's just beautiful to witness. To know where we came from. And nobody knows. This look, the hats we wear, nobody gets to see. And that's exactly what it is. my goodness. Y'all, okay. So. I think we covered literally all of my questions. we really did it. Because I know, I was like, we're going to get into it. We're going get into it. OK. But it was amazing. Like, I love the dialogue. Just to touch on, just bring current, all the things that fall into us. We've got to get out here and tell your story. I love that you're out here. Don't be afraid, because your story. It's gonna help somebody else get through that, guess. That's why I say it's a story. Unlock the room, and let your story be the light in somebody else's darkness. Girl. Yes, okay, it's a thing. It is a real thing, okay? And on that note, I just want to tell you, Kofi, thank you for sitting with me, okay? Girl, thank you. And you all, I want you to have a beautiful day, but before you do, Where can they find you? All right, y'all. You can find me on all social media platforms at UnlockBrams everywhere. UnlockBrams, underscore on Instagram, social media, Facebook, YouTube, TikTok. You're gonna find me directly. You can find me at Solid Black Coffee on Instagram. We have one social media, Solid Black Coffee. That's on my Instagram and TikTok. Hit me up, I'm your girl. It's your custom brand, one of a kind, one of one. You know what, sell your story a lot, That part. Later. Peace out. Yay! That was good. Very good. How long was that? 45 minutes. Hey, good time.