Girl, Divorce Changed Me—Here’s What No One Tells You

Divorce is one of those life experiences that changes you—whether you wanted it or not. In this episode, Dom is getting real about the lessons learned along the way. 

From unexpected triggers to losing friendships, setting boundaries, and learning to live for oneself, this journey has been nothing short of transformative. If you’ve been through it, are going through it, or just want to understand what healing after divorce really looks like. 

Dom discusses the impact of her experiences on her relationships, her children, and her own self-discovery, ultimately expressing hope for future love and happiness. Let’s talk about it. 

And to my married folks out there, if you are happy with your life and your marriage is healthy and filled with love and trust then, I pray yall have forever and a day. 

For the marriages where yall are working through it, no one knows what you can and cannot take. Staying takes work and so does divorce. Choose what is best for you regardless of anyone else's opinion. 

Chapters

• 0:00 Reflections on Divorce and Personal Growth
• 2:51 Lessons Learned Through the Journey
• 5:54 Embracing Change and Self-Discovery
• 8:46 Navigating Relationships and Boundaries

Transcript

0:02

Today is my wedding anniversary and here are some things that I've actively learned through my divorce. Yeah, I know you probably weren't expecting that, but here we are. I was with this person for about a decade. So girl, come sit with me. This is our safe space for real conversations, personal growth and healing one story at a time. So let's talk about life's twists and turns. Let's embrace our journey, but also remind each other who we truly are. So at this moment, I am in a space of reflection. And here are a couple of things that I'm actively learning in this divorce process. Mind you, been going through a divorce for about two years now, two years post, okay? So one, no matter how amicable the divorce is or isn't, there will be triggers. Some moments will take me right back to the moment where I decided to request a divorce. And while that may not happen often, it still happens. Okay? So in those moments, I try to force myself to reflect, understand, okay, what just triggered me? Why did this trigger me? And how do I work through it so that way it won't continue to trigger me? That's the main goal, okay? I like to call it residuals, but technically it's a cute little way to say triggered. Another one is, y'all, love is love, but love is also not enough, okay? It's beautiful, but love alone is not enough to sustain a relationship, a marriage, because people can hurt the ones they love. and they'll still expect forgiveness simply because you love them. Or my favorite, hey, I told you the truth. So since I told you the truth, I shouldn't be punished. You should be lucky that I told you the truth. Yeah, no, no, no, no, no. Just because you tell the truth does not negate the fact that there will be repercussions. Let's just cause and effect y'all, cause and effect, okay? Another thing I've learned is I've learned to live my life for myself. not just for my spouse, not just for my amazing and beautiful children, but also for me too. Because when I reflect on my life, I want to make sure that a gazillion years from now when I'm on my deathbed, I would love for it to be an experience like, wow, I really lived like, wow, I really lived for myself. So, that is something major to me. Another thing, if I'm keeping it real, I've lost friends and a couple of family members in this process. And yes, it hurts and it sucks, but I've had to accept that not everyone is meant to walk this journey with me. And sometimes people are just going to pick a side and sometimes that side may not always be my side. So I have to understand that and I've grown and learned to understand it, accept it a little more. gracefully without taking it so personal, especially when it comes to loved ones. Another thing I've learned is y'all when you're married, for those of you who are still married, there's this thing where we're naturally going to meet new couples, we're going to befriend new couples, things like that. And some married friends may distance themselves because I'm single. And that's just the reality of life. Okay. Some married couples have rules like, we don't have single friends or it may not be a rule, but it's something that's unspoken. And I just have to accept that, love them from afar and roll with the punches. It hurts sometimes, but it is what it is. Still, I still like to love people from afar. Another one, y'all, my goodness, number six, okay, I think I'm on six. Setting boundaries will make some people uncomfortable. And when they're uncomfortable, Excuse me, so 424. That way if I see this, I remember it. Number six, I think I'm on number six. Now, setting boundaries will make some people uncomfortable and they can either get with it or get left behind, okay? You gonna get left in the dust because I don't mind awarding grace as you adjust to me now having these new boundaries or even having boundaries, period. I don't mind the grace, but I won't tolerate being taken advantage of. That's one of my boundaries with myself, not allowing people to fully or to continuously take advantage of me, especially when it makes me feel some type of way at the end of the day. Another one, divorce has changed me. It is what it is, y'all. Divorce has changed me, okay? I've always been confident, but I am a different person. person now. So healing and learning is a part of this journey of what I like. I'm learning what I like. I'm learning what I don't like. I'm learning what triggers me or causes residuals. I'm learning all of these things. And I also realized that with me changing, with me growing, I am also not just healing. but I'm in a place where... It's like this, it's like a kid realizing that there's other places outside of their hometown. That's where I'm at. And it's a beautiful thing. It's definitely different. But I don't know. I just, I'm really enjoying learning about me. Not just me as the mom or me with all these different hats on. I'm learning about me. who I am when my kids are asleep, which they're asleep now. When my kids are asleep, when I've done all my work, I've graded all my papers for my students, things of that nature. Who am I in those moments when I'm alone? y'all, hey, child. Number eight, okay? I have to give people time to catch up, to get to know the current version of me. the woman who's in her mid thirties, who was a single mom of two, who has boundaries now, who's career driven, who's more spiritual, who is a little more confident, right? I am just learning these parts of myself in this current state, at this current evolution of where I am right now. So I have to give my day ones the opportunity to catch up and get to know that version of me. not just a wife dom, right? So I have to make sure I award them grace with that. Another one, y'all confidence spills over. Okay. The more I step into who I am, I'm noticing that the more it radiates into every part of my life and the more it spills over into my loved ones. And I'm starting to see how their confidence is starting to grow just as mine is continuing to It was already there, it's just we are the energy around us and the energy around us affects us. So just like them building their confidence, me witnessing that, being able to watch them flourish is the same way they're able to watch me flourish and we just naturally get each other to grow. Another one is healing is not linear. And I feel as though everyone says this, But y'all, let's be real. Some days I feel completely free, like fly like a bird, flutter, flutter. And other days, the weight of it all may sneak up on me in an instant. And granted, as time has moved on, those instances are fewer in between and they don't last as long, but they're still there. And that's okay too. That's okay. I'm literally grieving. Grief is continuous. So I'm literally grieving who I used to be, a previous marriage, losing a best friend, right? There's all these different nuances that comes into it, but that's okay. Grief is not grief, Lord. Healing is not linear. It takes time. the beauty of it is I continue to pray that time is kind to me. And so far it's been kind and I'm praying for it to continue to be kind to me and to those of you who are watching this as well. Now, I'm almost done because I really want this to be a very mini episode. OK, another one is I am not my past. OK, my divorce is a chapter of my life. It's a season of my life story. Now, granted, is 10 years a long time. Yes, a decade. That's literally one third of my life, right? Almost one third of my life. And that is not my whole story. It's just not. It is a season and I've appreciated that season. I still continue to appreciate that season. I don't want it to be where when I tell my life story, I have to skip over that season simply because we're divorced now, especially since my marriage was, if we were together for a decade, let's say Everything was great for maybe nine years and some change. So I don't want to have to skip all of those beautiful years because we're no longer together. I'm just not going to do that. It doesn't hurt me to mention my marriage or anything like that, because there was so many beautiful moments and beautiful things that spewed from it and relationships I've gained from it. So I will not skip over that season of my life or that chapter of my story. But I'm also not going to make that the main part of my story because it's not. It was a beautiful season. Another one y'all, rebuilding takes time. When I tell y'all I am actively learning math and we say active class and I'm like, y'all rebuilding takes time. Whether it's emotionally, financially, spiritually, physically, I'm giving myself permission to move at my own pace because sometimes I can hit the ground running during some seasons and some seasons of this divorce process, it takes time. And sometimes I got to hit the ground crawling and that's okay too. It's y'all we working through it. Okay. Another one, happiness is an inside job. And this is something I always believed, but going through this divorce is really driving it home because No relationship, no validation, no what ifs will give me the joy I can create for myself. So I have to actively remind myself happiness is an inside job. Happiness is a choice. I'm choosing to be happy no matter what's going on. Right. And I'm also choosing to allow myself to have those down moments because that's okay too. I have to walk slowly, walk through those down moments. So that way those happier or more upbeat moments can last a little longer and be a little more present during those happy moments. Almost last y'all, but one thing is my kids are watching. They're learning resilience from me as I go through this. They're learning understanding yourself worth as I go through this. They're learning. how to create and place boundaries and keep those boundaries into effect, keep those boundaries in place, even when we receive pushback. They're learning that from me. And they're one of y'all, my favorite thing is that they're learning how to choose yourself when necessary. And I'm very, very proud of that. And lastly, I should be at 15 y'all. And lastly, it's okay to want love again. My marriage ended, but that does not mean love is out of reach or anything like that. I still believe in love. I just know that the next time it'll last longer. That's it. Love is a beautiful thing. And just because I'm divorced does not mean I am going to punish myself and say, I'm never going to do this again. For me personally, I wholeheartedly believe in love. I wholeheartedly believe in the sanctity of marriage. I love being married. I love being a wife. So now this current version of myself, when it's time for me to get into another marriage, I'm going to be able to bring all the things that I've learned about myself, who this version of me is, into the new relationship, whenever that may come, okay? So if you're going through this journey too, know that you are not alone. And if you're just listening, if you made it this far, thank you for sitting with, girl, come sit with me. Thank you so much. If you're still actively married, continue to work on your marriage. It's a journey. I'm praying and wishing that your marriage lasts forever and a day, as long as you two are happy together and as long as you all are in a healthy relationship, okay? Now, remember healing takes time, but it's also an opportunity to become the best version of yourselves. So y'all have a beautiful day. Share this video, like, subscribe, do all that good jazz. And remember, I have nothing else to say really. It's not even a remember. Have a beautiful day. Be yourself. And I hope you took something from this. Later.