Girl, The Problem Isn’t You - It’s The Way You Are Seeing Yourself w/ This Black Girl

In this conversation, Dom and This Black Girl who created Top Notch Eyewear explore the themes of vulnerability, self-love, and the challenges of navigating divorce. They discuss the importance of identity shifts post-divorce, the opportunities that arise from personal growth, and the significance of parenting through change. The conversation emphasizes the need for self-care, setting boundaries, and the impact of mental health on parenting. The hosts share personal experiences and insights, creating a relatable and empowering dialogue for listeners.

Takeaways

• Self-love is crucial for personal growth.
• Grieving the loss of identity is a common experience post-divorce.
• Opportunities often arise after significant life changes.
• Consistency in parenting is essential for children's well-being.
• Mental health plays a vital role in effective parenting.
• Setting boundaries is necessary for self-care.
• It's important to check in with oneself regularly.
• Learning to say no without guilt is empowering.
• Children benefit from understanding their emotions and boundaries.
• Personal growth can lead to healthier relationships.

Sound Bites

• "give that same love to yourself"
• "graduation was my rebirth"
• "you don't marry to get divorced"
• "keep my cup full"
• "the takers don't have none"

Chapters

00:00
Welcome to Vulnerability

01:12
Navigating Divorce and Self-Love

03:54
Identity Shift and Healing

07:49
Opportunities After Divorce

12:04
The Danger of Leaving

15:12
Parenting Through Change

21:07
Checking In with Yourself

27:09
Empowerment and Boundaries

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome to Vulnerability
• 1:12 Navigating Divorce and Self-Love
• 3:54 Identity Shift and Healing
• 7:49 Opportunities After Divorce
• 12:04 The Danger of Leaving
• 15:12 Parenting Through Change
• 21:07 Checking In with Yourself
• 27:09 Empowerment and Boundaries

Transcript

0:00

Hey, welcome to Girl, come sit with me. I am your host Dom, and this is a safe space for us to understand the power of vulnerability. We can share our untold stories. We're going to heal together, learn together, and laugh a whole lot with a sprinkle of poetry every now and then when the good word calls for it, okay? Today I have this black girl. Yes, now this black girl, Ohm's Top Notch Eyewear. Where can they go to find top notch eyewear? They can find Top Notch eyewear wherever you use social media. So we're on every social media platform because we started in 2013. And you can check us out at topnotcheyes.com where we say you will see the difference because the difference is seeing top notch. Yes, and on top of that, this black girl also has a podcast. Where can they find your podcast now? Black Girl Say Something is the podcast. We're on TikTok, YouTube, and wherever you listen to podcasts. just Google Black Girl, Say Something. Yes, thank you so much for being here. Thank you for having me. Thank you for allowing me to come sit with you. Yes, I'm so glad to have you here because both of us have, we're going through a similar experience, but obviously everyone's experience is a little different. And that's divorce. So we are moms, we are divorcees, okay? Yes, we have businesses, we work, we juggle several things while all, all the while making sure that we're able to maintain who we are. and find a balance in this new space and this new energy, right? So think of it from like heartbreak to healing. But the thing is why self-love is the foundation for our glow up. Yes, where do you feel like your self-love gauge is at right now? It's at 100, 110 if you will, a thousand. Because the same love, a black girl say something mantra that I want to share and I hope people can take away from this, is the same love you give them, just give that to yourself. It has such a better return on the investment. Yes, yes. So give that same love to yourself. Give yourself that same grace. Don't give them the benefit of the doubt. that to yourself. Yes, one of the things that makes it easier to give to myself is I had to go through a sense of an identity shift. I don't know if you had to go through this, but post divorce, I had to go through a identity shift because I remember, so you all, I was a guest on her episode and we were discussing grieving certain aspects of a marriage. And you mentioned how you had to grieve that. And for me, I had to grieve, I felt as though I was grieving several aspects. I was grieving who I used to be, who I expected myself to be as a married woman. I was grieving the loss of a best friend. Me too. Girl, what? Listen. Yes, I was, it was a lot of grief going on at one point. So now that I'm in more of a healing space and I'm in a better space, granted I still have residuals. Yeah. know, but as I'm in this, I had to just experience this identity shift of who I am post all of this grief. And now I feel like you. I feel like my self-love level is at an all-time high. All time. It has to be. It has to be because, one, we're living in such a strange time right now. And so if we look at that and we gauge where we want to be, it will kind of diminish where you think you are. So you really have to give yourself that love. You have to give yourself that grace. But going back to that grief, I found myself already in a space, like when I was coming out stronger on the other side. I already was in the transformation. This is happening in the midst of me completing my doctorate. And so I'll never forget the post that I saw that said, put up with your BS while I was getting my BS. I'm not about to put up with your BS when I got my PhD. That resonated with me as somebody who does have a BS. I got that bachelor's insight. I ain't putting up with the BS. I put up with the BS through the BS, through the associates. Through the bachelors, even through the masters. So it sounds like that was your time to graduate from all of was prophetic. It was a true graduation. When they hooded me, I cried. Because not only did graduation happen on my son's birthday, graduation was my rebirth. I got to the end when there was times when I was like, I'm gonna drop out this program. And he was like, okay, you should. Whoa, whoa, You been knowing me? need you to motivate me to get this done. I put all this work in. I'm just talking. I don't mean it. I don't mean it. I'm just venting. like, I'ma give up on my business top notch hour and you like, yeah, you might as well, cause they ain't doing nothing anyways. Whoa. I didn't expect that to come from somebody who was supposed to be my life partner. Someone who loves me unconditionally. It was very conditional. It was very conditional. And see, I'm okay with certain aspects of being conditional. And whereas, best way to describe this would be when we say our vows. So I wrote my vows and I did that on purpose because I needed it to be known like, hey. This is my expectations for you. And this is me also making sure that I understand your expectations and your boundaries. But of course we're divorced. So that means once the boundaries get left. Yeah, you get a larger. And this black girl having something to say, I've always, since I've started speaking out about my experience and getting to a space where I'm comfortable about, because that was number one. It was like, damn, divorce with two kids. Don't nobody get married to get divorced. That is so true. You don't marry the boy. It's not like this is be my first husband. I'm on to the next one. No, you don't get married to get divorced. So when you get in that space where you are divorced, like me, we got married way too young. If you watching this, don't get married young. Experience life. Go travel, find your career, figure out what you want to do. The husband will come, the wife will come, the children will come, it will come. Nothing happens before it's time. But as somebody who has happened in my time, my time was my experience. And I would get... wholeheartedly I would get married again because I understand what it would take to be married again. Right? I did the wife thing. Nikki Wada'a said it. I'm a little bit of a barb. I don't want the people to fight me. I did the wife thing. I did the mother thing. I did the thing. And you know what? I did it well. Somebody might not say I did it well, but a job was well done. And so when you look at, you mentioned being in a space where You have to grieve the identity. There's like an identity shift. Yes. My shifting was taking place. And so that created an uncomfortability for me. And so because there was like this pre shift coming out, was like, bless and blessing doors are open. I'm doing all the things. I'm my kids are happier. I'm happier. Yeah. We're going to therapy. We're doing the thing. Everything started to come in such a wave opportunities. I mean, I got my first professor contract. I had days out from graduating my doctorate before I even, I didn't even interview, it was a phone call. Hey, can you teach a class this day at this time? The people ain't know me from. What is that? Absolutely. And did. So the doors were opening. So it was like, was this the opportunity that I needed to get out? It was. I speak on that in a couple past episodes where I mentioned how for me, by the time, so my marriage was a happy marriage as I've shared beforehand. And it just took about three to four months for us to just grow apart. And it was rather apparent that we grew apart. And I knew then like, hey, Since I had such a beautiful experience, I knew then that I would want to get married again. I knew, I was like, love is out there for me. But my thing was trying to keep things as normal as possible for my children. So even though he and I were done, he had already moved out, I was like, okay, I'm gonna make it where we stay in the same spot. They have these same people. And all the while I was shrinking and getting miserable. And I kept hearing this voice inside of me, inside of my spirit saying, hey, start going back to Miami. Start going back home a little more often. And once I jumped out of my fear and I essentially did it scared, I realized, just like you said, things just started popping off. I even got offered my dream job in Texas, mind you, I might add, in Houston, and I turned it down. I turned it down because I was like, my spirit is happier here. I notice my children are happier here. They're thriving more here. And I just had to take that leap and not be afraid of that leap. And for me with, when you said you lost the best friend, for me going through losing a best friend who was that person who would kind of motivate me to push me. That was the same friend that told me, when you stop pouring into his business and you pour into your business, you'll see your business thrive and she ain't never lied. I'm trying to tell you I'm trying to Girl, I lost so much weight, I went eatin' and the man said, what, you must be cheatin' on me, cause you sad. And I was like, you don't even know what's goin' on. I lost my friend. He was like, okay. That was it. And that's why we're here where we are. why we here where we are. Yes. Yes. And I'll tell people this, utilize your resources. I was in the doctoral program and I felt like I was losing my mind. And I called my advisor and I said, what resources do y'all have for me? And that's how I started therapy. But I didn't start therapy because of the, because I was going through my marriage. I started therapy because of a friendship breakup. I talk about that one of my episodes called the relationship paradigm shift, how your relationships have to shift in order for you to grow. they do. And it was an amicable breakup. I ain't gonna say it didn't hurt, cause it did. I got attacked, she started therapy and we can't be friends no more. And you know, it hurt. But I'll never forget, I said, we'll catch each other on the hillside of things. Yeah, and sometimes that's okay too. We would catch each other on the heel side of things. And shortly after that, it happens fast. It happens so quickly. It's like, Lord, we need to get a divorce because this ain't working. And yeah, it was, it was, it was rather quickly. It happened very quickly. The point of recognizing that you want to leave and then the point of it getting domestic. And it's like, Okay, I really gotta leave now. If you was trying to convince me to stay, kinda gotta go. Because you ain't gonna take me out, take them out. That's not how this gonna work. Yeah, no. Well, I'm glad you're out of that situation. too. In totality. Safely. Safely, because that's not... Exactamundo. That is one of the most difficult parts is leaving. even in, think about it, even in situations where there is no DV, right? It's still the most dangerous time because that's when you see... the ugliest side of somebody. Yes, statistics show it. But statistics show it. The most dangerous time for a woman is when she's trying to get a divorce or trying to leave a relationship, period, even if you're not married. Yes, because divorce can even drive the most sane person to insanity. Or if someone is doing wrong, they're going to start projecting what they're doing onto you. So you may end up being the one accused of cheating and you like... Nah. trying to work extra hours to make things easier. Exactly. Exactly. like, wait, now, I have been faithful is Lord knows I've been faithful this entire time. Exactly. And I'm not even gonna hold y'all a part of me. Let's just have a candid moment here. So a part of me is a little petty, just a smidget. So not only am I'm the type of woman that is faithful because I believe that's just how I am. I'm not even gonna hold y'all. I just broke them. people. It's a fault, also because I need to make sure that if we end up not together I don't care how upset you get with me. I don't care how this ends up without a shadow of a doubt You can say no other man ever touched me while we were together in No type of way not no dating not no. Mm-hmm. No cuz Dom not going for that And that's the petty side of me so I can be like, yep, you see how you did me, but I always did you Always do- ooooh! You're right! Hey! Always, okay? always did you right. I don't care what you say on the left. I always did. always did you right. I am queen of killing with kindness. Brand, I have my petty moments. We all get there sometimes, yeah, queen of killing them with kindness. But even with, we were talking about the shift that happened, but I would love for us to talk about how that shift influences our motherhood because both of us are mothers to two babies. they're older, but two babies. Always be my baby. Always be. You never outgrow it ever. So I'm really interested to know, is there a difference in your parenting now? Yeah. from the bottom of my soul, from my womb, I'm screaming yeah. Consistency. Children thrive when things are consistent. They do. They do. I can see that I'm more of like a social scientist as a doctor of health science and research. Let me tell you something, I see science in everything and consistency is what children need. So my ability to parent, I'm a solo parent, I'm a primary parent because there is a no contact order in place. So being that primary parent, being able to create the schedules, create the diets, create the... The light. Being in charge of everything. it's not the ideal situation, I'll never forget a therapist did say having a mentally well parent is better than having two unmentally well parents. Absolutely. And so that led me to a space where I'm able to parent from a space of consistency. And all of that love that I've been able to give to myself, I'm able to give to them. Because when you're so busy trying to focus your love on that person, focus your love on that person, why they not loving me, why they not loving me, I'm trying to love them. The kids don't feel it, but I felt it. I wasn't loving them the way they needed to be loved. I wasn't hugging them. as much as I would like to hug them, because I'm irritated. I'm overstimulated. Now, not that I don't still get overstimulated, but guess what? Now we have those chats, we have those monthly talks, we have those check-ins, and we're able to say, how you feeling? Where we at? What we could do better? This is what we did last month. This is what we could do better this month. We have those monthly meetings. We're consistent. And we've been consistent since 2021. So, are you? have years and so- the bath, we been, know, being one year out versus being two years out versus being three years out. I'm looking forward to five years out. You get what I'm saying? I'm looking forward because there's something to look forward to because you can see the growth. You can see them getting the mental health that they need. They're in therapy. I'm in therapy. We're in therapy. We're using our coping skills and everything that we need to be able to thrive in a crazy world, number one. I'm able to give them the all of the tools that they need to be healthy adults one day. I love that because it even starts with very small things like them understanding or being able to come to you and say, hey, mommy, I'm overstimulated right now. Mm-hmm. Go to baby. Go get those. it's OK. Just go to the Go journal. Exactly. Girl, that's me all day. Go journal. Go journal. It's OK. Mm-hmm. Get a breather. Mommy's here. Or even when I say it. So with my kids being so young, one of them is a toddler. Mm-hmm. My youngest is a toddler. It's funny because I say, okay, boys, I'm overstimulated. And now my toddler's like, mommy's overstimulated, come on, come on, rah rah. And he'll call his big brother and they just start chucking to another room. And they just give me my space. They boundaries. Yes. They understand boundaries. think when you get to the other side of it, you're able to teach your children boundaries. So don't just walk up and hug me. Ask me if you could have a hug. Yes. Let's create that boundary, that space, consent, right? And it's in the little things. there's so many different little gems to drop where it's like, yeah, this is how we do it. There's a checklist. You know what you need to do. Of course, my kids are a little bit older. But you can start it now. I think we've had a talk about putting a clock in the room. We did. We're going to teach you some time management. time management, you have your own alarm clock in your bedroom. When this sound goes off, you already know it's time to get up, get ready for your day. And girl, since I haven't had a chance to talk to you about it, but thank you for that because now my eight year old, gets up, I watch him, he does his own thing and I peep, he gets up and goes straight to the living room and he just sits there, he meditates. So he'll just sit there and relax for a few. And then he'll start his day. Then he'll be like, okay, I wanna wake up my brother. You don't have to wake up my brother today. And I'm like, oh, okay, you in a good head space. This is working. And it helps because when you see your children struggling with certain emotions or when you see them having those sad days because a dynamic has changed. Or maybe that morning they just woke up, hormones, a little different. It happened. And all I need you to tell me is, I'm not having, I'm not feeling it today. You know what? I'ma move out your way, but I need you to know we gotta get out of here by 725. Mommy not trying to be late. Exactly. My son had a moment this morning. He was just, I just saw it on him. Wasn't crying or anything like that, but he just needed a moment. So usually I would drop him off second. So this morning he was like, mommy, can I just get dropped off last? I just need more time. And I was like, okay, son, I'm with that. Thank you for expressing that to Thank you. Just thank you for. how much of a healthier man he would be when he has had the opportunity to express those emotions now. would be so adorable. that's gonna be powerful. When I tell you, it's gonna be the sweetest thing. And then one of the things that you had mentioned this earlier, as we get our kids prepared to be well-rounded adults or just well-rounded. We're children, we're raising them to be healthy members of society. Even though society, you know, is a little weird, but they still have to know how to navigate society. Yes, navigate that space, understand and still be able to stay true to who they are. No matter what they may see outside of the home, what they may see on social media, things like that. But my question to you is, as we're teaching them these things, how do you check in with yourself to make sure that you continue to be a well-rounded individual? journaling. And I started the podcast, my podcast, Black Girl Say Something, as a way to check in with myself. Listen back to those episodes. A lot of times I'm repeating things two and three times. They might be mantras for the people to listen, but I'm always picking at them and saying, I know y'all sick of me saying this, but this ain't for y'all. This is for my... Exactly. This is for my future self to listen back to and say, girl, we doing that. Keep the boundaries. And certain things I say, keep the boundaries. Love on those who love you. Show up for those who show up for you. Don't overplay your part in people's lives. Don't give more than you're willing to give. Don't give the benefit of the doubt. Y'all hearing this, but that's for me when I watch this back. Yes, yes. One of the things that I constantly remind myself is keep my cup full. Mm-hmm. Keep it full. I'm not pouring out of my cup to pour into someone else. You can get my overflow and if there's no overflow that week. That's just what it That's just what it is. And that's OK, too. Mm-hmm. That is perfectly fine. It's me checking in with myself. and stop being the go-to person. When I stop being the go-to person, I got two phones. They don't ring as much. The business phone ring for business. That personal phone is probably two or three people that I talk to regularly. But I stop being the go-to person. Yes, learning to say no without guilt has helped me out. you say that before and I was like, people be feeling guilty when they say no? I never really had that problem. Yeah, I never really had that problem and I think I didn't have that problem with other people because I had that problem in the house with my husband, with my children's father, with my soon to be ex-husband. I had that problem in the house so I didn't know how to say no to him. let me go here. You know how they say when a person is a manager at a job, and they like overplay their part as a manager because they have no control at home. That was me. So I'm gonna control every aspect outside the house because I had no control in the house. I understand that. For me, since I trusted and loved my husband so much, well, my ex-husband so much, for me, I never even thought to give him boundaries when it came to me because I was one. That's just how I viewed it. We're one. If my feelings get hurt, your feelings are hurt. If his feelings were ever hurt, my feelings were hurt. It was just like that for me. So... As we started to transition into the divorce, y'all, when I started putting boundaries in place, it's a whole new... You see a different person. You even see a different person. You see yourself as a different person. They see you as a different person and you see them as a different person. Yes, and it's like I had to teach people pretty much teach you for like hey the wife Dom that you were used to seeing with this individual no longer exists. I'm mourning her and you're gonna have to start mourning her because a lot of things that I just said yes to because I didn't have boundaries with him because I didn't feel the need to. Now I have boundaries. So no, I'm not doing this. I'm also not doing that. And no, I don't feel guilty. Yeah, good for you, girl. Because I was like, when you said that, when you, another episode, I was like, don't like people feeling guilty when they say no. Girl, yes. No, not me. I say no. It's no. I'm not giving no explanation. Period. No. I love that that's where you are because that means that you have probably already instilled that in your children. Yeah. Yes. And their ability to speak up. And that's kind of like the premise of it is like, yeah, be able to speak up, be able to talk up. Tell me how you're feeling. Yes. And if you don't want to do something, also tell me that, like, let's talk about it. Let's come together and create a space where you feel comfortable doing the things that I need you to do. Because maybe I'm the problem. Yeah, I feel too. Because mommy's still learning. Okay, and I'm a human. Mommy is- Time being a mama, y'all. And since every person is different, every child is different, every experience is different, even if we had a thousand manuals on how to be a great mom, it still may not work for your Jit. It may not work for this Jit. What works for this child may not work for the other. And then you can't get complacent in your parenting either. Because the therapist really turnt my head loose when she said, you probably frustrated because it's time to change your parenting style. Mm-hmm. Or why you in my business? See? Yes, because what they needed at one age, just how we're changing, they're changing. They're changing, So what they need at one season, everything has a season. So they may need a season of coddling. They may need another season of tough love. They may need, you know. They made me need another season of structure, because I know we had to restructure. That part. Okay? And I love how I can see the clarity on you. You have a sense of clarity that comes out regarding who you are naturally, your life, even watching you with your children, even watching you with your brand and all these other hats that you wear. It's a beautiful thing to see. because I had to keep it bottled up for so long, but it was like, that's always who I was. And when you're with somebody who doesn't have their own light, they will try to dim your light. So it's like, I am a light. I pour and I pour and I'll give, but as a giver, I had to learn my limit. Because the takers don't have none. Yeah, the takers don't. And the takers don't have to be, for those listening, the takers don't have to be just an ex lover or someone like that. It could be a friend. It could be a family member. could be adult children. It can literally be anybody. And we just have to remember to steadfast on our vision. Because the more we're able to take heed to what our vision is, and hone in on it, the easier it gets for us to have these boundaries, to be like you and say no without no guilt. Hello. And no explanation, right? And speaking of vision, speaking of intentions, and seeing you all, the glasses that I have on today that I'm like obsessed with, literally, y'all, they come from top notch eyewear. And when I tell you, let me tell y'all something. I have 20-20 vision or 40-40 vision. 20-20, 20-20. you go. I have 20-20 vision and I put these on and for whatever reason, it just felt clear. I felt like I had the same clarity that Ms. Black Girl has over here, okay? I just felt good. Yeah, was like, hey, I look good, wait a minute. Well, they have some blue filter lenses in them. Okay. So it reduces the glare so you're not being blinded by the lights. Okay, you can't dim my light and with my top notch I wear on you also can't blind me with the light. I love it. Speak on it. But yes, so I love how you've had this brand for so long. I literally look at you as a pure goat when it comes to this. watching you how. You've built your brand, learning your story, things like that. That takes a lot. A lot of resilience, a lot of grit, and it's just nice to bear witness. I just have to give you your props while you're here, give you your flowers while you're here, because it's very nice to witness. So thank you so much for joining me. Thank you for having me. Oh girl, come sit with me.