Girl, Soft Life or Disciplined Life: Finding the Balance for Growth & Success

Soft Life vs. Discipline: Finding the Balance for Growth & Success

In this episode, Dom dives into the tension between embracing a soft life—one of ease, rest, and self-care—and the discipline required to achieve lasting success and personal growth. She unpacks the guilt many feel when prioritizing rest, the power of self-discipline in creating a fulfilling life, and how to strike the right balance between the two. If you’ve ever struggled with feeling like you’re either doing too much or not enough, this conversation will challenge your perspective and help you redefine what a truly aligned life looks like.

Chapters

• 0:00 Embracing the Soft Life
• 11:39 The Balance of Discipline and Softness

Transcript

0:00

Do you want the soft life or the disciplined life? Because if you've been on the self-discovery journey, even if it's similar to the one that I've been on, you're probably asking yourself, can I have both? And technically, on the one hand, we are rejecting hustle culture, choosing peace. prioritizing our well-being and that's beautiful but on the other hand life requires effort success requires effort healing requires effort so today we are diving into the tension and this unspoken battle between wanting ease and knowing discipline is necessary for our growth okay we're talking about Why do we crave, we're talking about why do we crave the soft life? What's real and what's just social media fantasy? The truth about discipline, how it actually gives you more freedom, not less. And most importantly, how do we find the balance? Because if you're anything like me, you've been in both seasons, wanting to rest, but also knowing. Girl, you gotta get up and handle your business. So, grab a drink, get comfortable, and let's get into it. Let's start with talking about the soft life because if you ask me that's the one that we constantly hear about. I'm in my soft girl era. This is what I'm doing. This is also what I'm not doing. But let's dive into it because thinking about the idea of waking up slowly drinking some tea, I'm not a coffee person, working a couple hours, then jetting off to Bali somewhere. That does sound amazing. Now, don't take me to an island, okay? And some of it is real. People really do design their lives around their ultimate goals and what they want and being able to live a life of ease. But... And we do deserve rest because there's plenty of studies, you can look them up yourselves if you want, that show that chronic stress literally shrinks the prefrontal cortex. And that's the part of your brain that helps you make decisions. So when we slow down, we think better. We're constantly on the go, on the go, on the go, on the go. Granted, some of us, like myself, are really great with thinking on our feet. But if I'm being honest about it, we still need to make sure we give our brain time to process things and time to really... and time to really rest because something that we don't talk about enough is soft life guilt. Now, some of us grew up in survival mode where resting felt like it was wrong or maybe you didn't see your parents get the opportunity to rest as much as they would have liked. When you grow up in that way, it's almost as if you're taught, hey, you got to work twice as hard just to get half as much, especially if you're a black person or if you're a minority. How many of us hear that? And we also know it to be true in many cases. So now when we rest, what happened? We feel lazy. We feel like we should be doing something. We feel guilty and Want to say something and I want you to hear me when I say this, okay? Rest is not a reward Okay, rest is not a reward. It is a requirement You don't have to earn peace What you don't have to treat yourself to peace you don't have to work yourself to the ground before you give yourself a break Yeah, no those days are over You deserve those breaks now. You deserve that time now, even living with ease. And it's ways we can do this while incorporating discipline, but while we're focusing on the soft life, I also want us to understand. how I like that when it comes to the social life era or movement or this new wave, I like how we are rejecting the hustle culture. I love that, because why do I have to work myself into the ground? We didn't like seeing our parents or our caregivers doing it. So it's almost as if it's our way of breaking generational curses. And I'm very appreciative for that, OK? But there is a balance. We can't just sit down and twiddle our thumbs and expect for things to just, poof, it's right there. Now, granted, there are some times where we do this. But for the most part, Discipline is still essential. We just have to make sure we find a balance, right? When it comes to finding the balance, it's all about showing up for yourself to give you or to help you curate the type of life you want. Because let's be honest, motivation is a mood. Discipline is a decision. I need for myself to continue to choose and make the conscious decision to have discipline. Okay, I know this is my goal. I know this is what I want. I know I'll give you all an example with this podcast girl come sit with me even with this podcast right I get more views via word of mouth I'm noticing that and social media is helping to give it that push so I understand that social media is going to push my page more Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, I'm on all of those as at girl come sit with me and I understand that these platforms push my page more when I post consistently. When I post reels more often versus a regular post. When I post questions or things that has to do with the episode that can really... foster a conversation between myself and the listeners of the podcast, I realize that is when Instagram pushes or these social media accounts push my page. So what does that mean? That means I need to have discipline. I have to keep posting. Even when it's like, my nine to five has me tired. I do have to grade all these papers for my college students because I'm a professor. It still makes a difference when I focus on the beautiful aspects of discipline instead of just saying, eh, I don't want to work hard. Because quite frankly, most of us, I notice that there have been complaints in the job force saying how we don't want to work and things like that. Millennials don't want to work. or they are trash when it comes to being workers. But that's not necessarily the truth. It's more so about making sure that we understand discipline discipline is not about us forcing ourselves into exhaustion. It is about us making a choice that our future selves will thank us for. Because discipline is a long-term goal, and it's crucial for long-term success. So the myth of waiting until you feel like being motivated, y'all, motivation follows action. And it's not the other way around, And even if we look at, what was I just reading the other day? I was looking at some Stanford studies on delayed gratification. I've been in this state of gratitude and I've really been reading on a lot of publications based upon that. And one of the things I learned is that self-discipline is linked to higher happiness levels. It's linked to higher happiness levels. So what does that tell us? Structure. Even when we, I love to use babies and children as examples. So even when we look at these children, what do they tell you at babies? Babies like structure. They like understanding, okay, when you can't get a baby to go to sleep at a decent time, you're trying to condition or train them to go to bed at a decent hour so you can survive through the day. and you can get sleep as well. What do they tell you? Hey, create a nighttime routine. Create a nighttime routine for your baby and get them used to understanding, hey, I eat dinner, then after dinner we go for my bath. After my bath, I get a nice rub down, we read a book, say our prayers and we go to bed. And eventually that baby is going to be conditioned into the moment you start those steps, they're already, they're already yawning. They're already tired. And it's simply because. we thrive or people naturally thrive in settings where they feel comfortable or in timeframes where everything feels familiar to them. So don't think of discipline as well, no. I can't even say that because sometimes discipline is uncomfortable. Sometimes it's annoying. Think about it. If you're not an early bird, waking up early, annoying. OK? If you are saying no to distractions, that's hard as hell to do. If you are sticking to your boundaries, right? Don't even get me started on boundaries, y'all, because y'all already know. It's tough, but when we avoid discipline, it kind of feels as though when I avoid discipline, it's like I'm avoiding growth. Or it's as if I'm stunting my growth in some sort of way because... I know my purpose, so I have to do actions to make sure that I continue to live with a life that aligns with my values and make sure that I'm not avoiding it. Because sometimes they'll say, this is getting in my way, so this stopped my discipline, or this is getting in the way, X, Y, and Z, and we'll have a host of excuses. But deep down, really ask yourself, are you avoiding it on purpose? Are you self-sabotaging? Is this something that you just feel as though you don't trust yourself enough to follow through with? We have to ask ourselves these hard questions because I really feel as though it takes both in order to even be in that whole soft girl era. if soft life and discipline are important, we should be examining how we can balance them. how we can help them come together to help us. Something that came to my mind is why we are embracing and holding on to the soft girl era so toughly and why are we holding on to it for dear life. And I realize, y'all, so race, gender, our culture, it shapes our views of everything. That's just, it is what it is. It shapes our views with everything. And not sure if you can see all this chocolate for those of you who are listening and not able to watch the episode on YouTube or maybe as a clip on social media something like that. Y'all I am a black woman okay and there is this, when I say pressure, there's this pressure or this thing of where as a black woman we have to be strong. or we are strong Black women. And we really don't even have to question where that comes from. We know it stems from systematic racism and racism as a whole. We already know that aspect of it. Even when we think about our gynecology, even when we get to that whole sense of where a lot of how we get pap smears, things like that, a lot of that stems from the man who created, the individual who created the field of gynecology they did all these studies on black women and they did not offer them pain medicine. They did all these procedures and they did multiple procedures on black women to test them out, see how it goes. once they realize, I. this works, okay, now we're going to try it with the other races, women of other races, and we're gonna give them the pain myths that we have. We're gonna make them as comfortable as possible, all because of this myth that black people don't experience as much pain. And that's one of the things that stems from... racism y'all there's no other I trying to find nice ways to put it y'all but there's no other way to put it okay They don't take our pain as seriously because they view us as strong black women. Meaning, she's a woman, she can take it. No, but she's a black woman. She can really take it. They can hold the world on their back, save everything, all of these cool things. we've been saying this for years. We're tired of the whole, I don't want to be the strong black woman all the time. Do I have a choice in that all the time? Not necessarily. But it's not something that I'm interested in being. I love embracing a soft girl era. love, hey, if there's a man around and it's something, hey, can you grab this for me, please? well, hey, pretty lady, how can I help you? Can I help you? You sure can. Please help. I have no issues accepting help because. Sometimes we either don't realize we need the help or we're just so used to doing it on our own because that was how society trained us. That's how we were conditioned. But I mean, let's face it, we deserve to be able to have a break sometimes and rest sometimes. And sometimes soft life or that soft girl air does not have to be you aren't doing anything. I am working towards being in that soft girl era and to me the soft girl era just means well technically I'm doing it in a sense as far as I'm doing what I want to do. I'm focused on my passions, things that I like, things that bring me joy, bring a smile to my face. I'm focused on that, but I do have to add more of the rest in there. Some of those cool core aspects of the soft life. I know I have to add that things that have helped make my life easier. But as I continue to implement these new aspects into my life, these new habits into my life, it helps ease it. For instance, I know I want to have less stress. I don't stress about too much stuff, but the little things that are stressing me, I'd rather have less of it. So I'm already putting things in place. I set my schedule a certain way to make sure like, hey, Dom has time for Dom. If I want to go to the beach, it may take me a week to get there, but I make sure I schedule that time in for myself because it's crucial. And as I find this balance between soft life and discipline, I have to make sure that I am not being toxic with my discipline. What do I mean by this? So yes, discipline can turn toxic, okay? And this can happen when we start to over optimize our life. And that's when we start to lose the joy in it. So I don't want you to think of discipline as habits. I need you to think of discipline more so as like your identity. It's about your identity. Who do you become when you commit to yourself? Who do you become when you commit to yourself? and you commit to yourself in a way that aligns with your values, that aligns with not just who you are now, but who you are striving to become. I did find a study that found that people with high self-esteem are happier than those with high motivation. Why do you think? What do you think is the reason for this? Or is there a reason? I'm going say it again, OK? A study found that people with high self-esteem are happier than those with high motivation. Why? Now, I will give you my reason why. and my reason why does align with that study. And it basically said because they don't rely on fleeting emotions to take action. When you're motivated or when you're waiting for you to be motivated, that's when you notice and you start to see that, motivation is a mood. And it comes and it goes. It can waver just like your feelings. It can be gone with the wind just as quickly as it came tumbling in. But with self-esteem, when you have self-esteem, when you have that high self-discipline, because you have put these systems in motion and these systems in place for you where even if your day is jam-packed, you feel less of a burden. You feel lighter. You feel freer, right? So motivation is something that wavers, but discipline does not. You are either going to be disciplined or you will not. Even if any of you have gone to, what are they called? Barnacles. The AA meetings. And I used to go with one of my uncles back in the day. And even when you go to those meetings, what do they tell people? They tell them sobriety is a choice and you have to make that choice every day. So guess what? For those of you who want the soft life era, soft girl life, all of that good jazz, we have to make sure we take the steps to get there. So, and realistic steps, y'all, okay? instead of forcing some type of ridiculous strict routine, follow the rhythms that allow you to have structure and flow. At least that's what works for me. So instead of saying, I have to wake up at 5 a.m. every single day, instead of that, I simply say when my body wakes me up, my mornings are for me. My mornings are for me. That may mean I'm praying. It may mean I am journaling. It may mean I'm sitting still. Maybe I am air boxing because I like to do MMA. I may be writing a poem, whatever. Okay? Or instead of saying I must work eight hours straight. I say, know what, I'm going to focus on having work sprints and intentional breaks. So one of the things I like at Coast Space is she has the sand glasses and she has the 30 minute ones and the 60 minute ones. And it helps me out so much y'all because I'll put my phone on vibrate and I flip that thing over, listen, okay. Flip it over and this is my, this would be considered one of my work sprints. I'm going to for this allotted time, just focus on my work. Because you may say, hey, I work eight hours straight. if you're, let's say, working from home or something, or I'm going to focus on this passion, whatever it is, for eight hours straight. But you may get distracted in that time. How many of us can focus for eight hours straight? Some can, some cannot, and that is okay too. However, we have to make sure that we are implementing systems that work for us that are efficient. So studies have shown that individuals or people who have those work sprints, they will get more things done on their to-do list sometimes than the person who says I'm going to work eight hours and they're getting distracted or they're getting pulled away or things like that. We have to create rhythms. So I create rhythms instead of strict rules. I give myself freedom within structure and I keep reminding myself that soft life is built through my disciplined life. I tell myself, if I want financial freedom, I need financial discipline. If I want emotional peace, guess what? I need emotional discipline. I have to be more. conscious of my choices with my responses and make sure that I'm not reacting out of habit. I'm reacting more so out of purpose. So no, soft life and discipline are not enemies. They are partners and the goal isn't to pick one because we don't have to pick one. How about we blend them in a way that works for us? 70 % discipline, 30 % soft life may work for you. For me, it may be 40 % soft life, 60 % discipline. It's all about finding that healthy balance so we can meet ourselves where we are, I want you to think about this. Where do you need your softness in your life? And where do you need more discipline in your life? Let's focus on listening to our bodies and our minds and learning how to listen to your body, how to listen to your mind about when to push and when to pause. So I'm gonna challenge you this week, Find one thing, that's it, just one thing that you can do to honor your soft life. Maybe it is taking a break. Whatever it looks like, figure out what it is for you, that one thing this week. And then find one thing that you can do to honor your discipline. So what is one area that you know you need more softness in and one area that you know you need more discipline in? and tell me either DM me, let me know in the comments under the Instagram post, okay? And tell me, just let me know, are you in your soft girl era or are you in your discipline era? Or hey, are you in both? Are you finding a way to balance both? Okay? And I really love to have these conversations with y'all because this episode really hit home for me and what I am going through right now. So share it with a friend who needs to hear it. And until next time, take care of yourselves, find your balance, understand that your balance is not someone else's, and... do me one more favor. Just one. Come in a little closer, little closer, little closer. Have a beautiful day and thank you for coming to sit with me. Later.