Welcome to The Life of a Divorced Single Mom: Raw, Real, and Resilient

Ever wondered what life is really like as a divorced single mom? Or maybe you are one. In this episode, I’m laying it all out—the struggles, the sacrifices, the guilt, and the strength it takes to keep going when the odds feel stacked against you. From navigating life with limited help to balancing motherhood, work, and finding myself again, this is as raw and real as it gets.

If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed, stuck, or like you’re carrying the world on your shoulders, you’re not alone—and this episode is for you. I’ll share my journey, the lessons I’ve learned, and the moments that have shaped me. It’s not always pretty, but it’s honest, and it’s proof that no matter how tough life gets, you can rise stronger.

Pull up a chair, and let’s have a heart-to-heart about the realities of single motherhood. You don’t want to miss this one.

Transcript

Girl, let's get into some real time because this week was a beautiful and not so gentle reminder that girl, you are a divorced single mother.

I had to remind myself that I already know it. I'm living the life of it. But let's be real. The way I'm set up, I don't know about anyone else, but the way I'm set up, I'm one of those worker bees that just, I know how to keep going and keep going and keep going. Let things roll off of me, get a calm breather, keep trying and do pretty well at keeping my equilibrium no matter what's going on.

But if I'm being honest with myself, this week was a reminder that sometimes things do get hard. It's not easy. Just because I make it look easy, for those of who are not in this predicament, but maybe you know someone who is a divorced single mom or just a single mom in general, or just someone who's going through a divorce or has been divorced or is newly divorced.

A, just because we make it look easy does not mean that it is easy. Books can be deceiving. How many times have we been told not to judge a book by its cover? And I'm a prime example of that. Don't judge a book by its cover, because I'm going make it look easy every time, especially when it comes to my kids.

I have two little boys. So when it comes to them, I'm gonna make it look like, hey, do they know that mommy has her moments? Do they understand life up? Okay, honey, mommy's overstimulated right now. Just give me a couple minutes. My kids now understand what overstimulated means to where now my eight year old uses it. And I'm not even mad at that. Because when we need a break, we gotta take a break. The thing is,

as a single mom, we may not get the birth that we that we would like to get. It just it is what it is okay.

But being a single mom doesn't mean that I'm alone. It means I've learned to carry twice the weight with half the hands. And it's just that simple.

You know, being a married woman, my children were used to that dynamic, their father in the house, things of that nature. To now, hey, I'm co-parenting. Or maybe there's a lack thereof. And it can feel limiting at times, but...

What's helping me now as far as my mental, what's helping me really hone in on making sure that I'm not drained all the time from carrying twice the weight with half the hands is facing the challenges of communication.

because it can be difficult when one party communicates better than the other. Right? Another thing that's helping me is setting boundaries. Ooh, y'all. The pushback I've been getting from setting boundaries and the fact that I just do not give a fuck.

I'm at a place where I put my boundaries in place for a reason. For a reason.

As a single mom, as a divorced single mom, I carry a lot of loads just like many. First of all, being a mom in itself means that we carry a lot of loads. A lot of our titles. my goodness, y'all. A lot of our titles mean that we carry so many hats, right? We carry so many hats. You got a hat that you carry as that you may have as a wife, which means that I'm going to show up

the best I can for my husband or for your wife or for them, right? Then you also have the mama hat. I'm going to show up the best I can for my children. Then we have the, I'm a boss hat. Maybe I'm an entrepreneur or someone who works a nine to five. Guess what? That's a working hat. So I'm going to show the best I can for the business that I run or the business that I work for or somewhere in between. Right?

I'm a daughter hat. I'm someone's daughter. All these hats mean that this is us putting on this hat and the responsibilities that come with it in order for us to show up the best we can to help someone else. But you know what my boundaries help me do? My boundaries help me secure my hat that is for me.

my boundaries help me show up the best I can for myself.

Because outside of all of these titles, all of these labels, who am I? Being divorced and going through divorce has really forced me to show up more for myself. It's forced me to put myself first. What do they tell us on the plane? Who do we put? We got to put the mask on ourselves first before we put it on the children then, right?

It's the same thing. My boundaries is my way of putting my mask on first. Of saving myself. And that can be saving myself from whatever it is. Whether it's physically, emotionally, y'all know I've been studying psychology for Lord knows how long. It's psychologically. It's me showing up for myself because that's what I deserve.

What good is it for me to show off for everybody else if I don't know who I am?

if I can't figure out what I need, what I want, what I like, what I don't like.

So my boundaries absolutely.

help me to show up for myself the best way I can. And guess what? If people can't accept that, if they can't respect that, it is what it is. Because it's for me. It's for me.

Now another thing that is also for me is me finding a way to balance.

roles. What do I mean by this? So I'm talking about balancing roles when I'm shouldering most of the parenting load.

I have come to the conclusion that I am not going to try to be the mother and the father in my situation. I'm not going to try to be that for my children. I'm not. What I can do though is be the best mother I can be.

make sure that I'm constantly reevaluating certain things not to where I am over analytical or not to where I am putting myself down or girl you should have did this better you should did this better no it simply means that I am going to show up for my children as much as possible so that way in me they could see consistency

In me, they can see love. In me, they can see the joy that they bring me. So that way they can understand that they're alike too. They're important as well. They have the ability to shift the energy of a room. I need them to understand their power.

And I try to make sure that my parenting helps them understand that.

So for me, my parenting style is, I know I'm an authoritative parent, I already know that. But for me, my parenting style also involves being the best mom I can be.

I'm not your dad. I can't pretend to be your dad.

Now sometimes in the midst of doing and doing and going and going, handling everything, figuring out what's going on, putting out all of these different fires in different aspects of my life,

There are times where I feel the weight of both parental loads.

because as a single mom, I wear two hats. And some days they both feel too heavy to hold, way too heavy. Some days I'm just absolutely allergic.

Now, I'm not the parent that is like, hey, on Father's Day, want to give, on Mother's Day, want to give, on all the days I want to give. I'm not necessarily that person, but I understand the people who are that person.

because it is a lot.

Because let's be real about it. It is a lot and it's overbearing at times. I know for me, when I think of, when I say both parenting roles, I'm not necessarily talking like, I have to play the mother and the father, because I already told y'all. I'm not trying to pretend to be a dad. I like being in my feminine bag. I like my children seeing my feminine energy. I enjoy.

when my boys show me moments that, hey, I know mommy is a girl. So my son will open the door for me or he'll wait to walk through a door. He'll wait for me to walk through a door. And he's like, ladies first, mommy. my goodness. Y'all, little moments like that touches my entire spirit. Fully touches me. I'm just like, honey, thank you so much. I love those moments where they realize

Mommy's a girl. I enjoy those moments. So when I say parental, both parental loads, I'm talking mostly about, think about it, as a single mother, I'm dealing with the emotional aspect.

of making sure my children are okay, how they're doing, checking in, right? I'm talking about the day-to-day loads, meaning the day-to-day, the daily activities, waking them up, dealing with whatever attitude they're having that moment. There's moments where my youngest, my baby, run up, my goodness. There's moments where he's going to wake up and be energetic as heck. I mean, wakes up, running around the house, full speed, asking everyone,

I want bread. He's gonna bring you the bread and he's gonna bring you one of his either smoothies or one of his cute little water bottles. I want bread. I want water. Please, please. And if he's hype, it's please, right? So there's moments he wakes up like that. And there's also moments where Ronna's gonna wake up and just not want to be bothered.

Some of us have had, I know I'm not, all of us have had those moments where you wake up your children and they're just like, they're just groggy and you may be energetic in the world and trying to get them to be as ready for the day as you are, that's taxing in itself some days.

So I'm talking about the waking them up, the dealing with their different personalities, understanding how your children move, navigating them through things like school, through things like school, friendships, understanding how the world works. My son asked me the other day, he said,

What did he say? He said something about Joe Biden and something else about Trump. And I was like, whoa, okay. So you are paying attention when we talk about politics, things like that. Okay, you're eight years old. So now that I see you're doing that, okay. Now I can, you know.

allow you or even tune you into some of our conversations. See what is your opinion on this, especially if it make it more age appropriate for him to fully understand and create his own opinion. So I'm talking about doing that, making sure they brush their teeth, wash their face. my goodness, don't get me started on homework. Don't get me started on homework. Or seeing how they navigate through certain situations.

So I'm talking about the day-to-day living. I'm also talking about the financial aspect of it as well.

as a single parent, single mother, single father, guess what usually happens? We got to be their emotion. We are the emotional support. We're the physical support. Now we're the financial support. We're the financial support. We're the financial support.

And now it's like, okay, I'm being the nurturer and the disciplinarian, helping them understand that someone who loves you is going to hold you accountable. I don't want to raise my children to be the type of person where if someone holds them accountable, they don't want to talk to anybody that's gonna hold them accountable. They only want to talk to people who's going to agree with all of their shenanigans.

or who's going to egg on or cheer on all of their shenanigans. No. I would love for my children to be able to take criticism, constructive criticism, understand it if it's from someone that you love or that you care or that you trust. Understand that it's coming from positive place. It's not someone trying to bring you down. It's someone trying to make you better.

So that I think about it, suppose that is a plus about being a single parent, about being a single mom. Y'all, I started calling myself a single mom this last week. I ain't even gonna hold y'all. I haven't been with this man in Lorde. I haven't been with my ex-husband in Lorde knows how long. And I just started calling myself, I was like, hey, hence why we got this episode today. I am fully like, I mean, realizing like, girl, you're a full

Single mom.

So said, yep, that's definitely why we're having this conversation today.

because as the nurturer and the disciplinarian.

I don't want to, I can never be too nurturing, in my opinion. I can never be too nurturing.

But I also need to make sure that my children understand consequences. There's consequences for your actions. For every action, there's a reaction.

Now, there are moments where...

Think about how I handle moments of guilt Are there moments of guilt? Absolutely. So I have moments of overcompensation Because I feel like especially in the beginning and this is something that I'm actively Working through so I've only been a single mom for snap we at the end of this year so almost two years

So for those of you who have been single moms for longer and you have advice, I'm gonna be real with y'all. I'm here to take it because, or at least consider it because this is still fairly new to me. And I'm still in a place where I'm trying to figure out, I'm in this weird place where I feel different emotions at different times, meaning.

It's like, I don't mind doing everything. Though I wish I didn't have to, absolutely. But I don't mind doing everything because of the joy and seeing my children and being around them and looking in their eyes or me waking up and watching them and realizing that they're staring at me, that they're staring at me while I'm sleeping. I live for those moments. But just know there are moments of guilt where I'm like,

Okay, I could have handled that situation better with my children or with the co-parent. I could have handled that better. Okay, all right. I know there's moments where I overcompensate. And I'm trying to make sure that those moments don't hinder my children's growth.

So I don't want to be the overbearing parent because I need them to learn how to problem solve. I want them to learn how to problem solve, but also understand that as your mother, I'm going to be there every step of the way. I'm going to be right behind you. I'm going to be a couple steps behind you because I'm going to let you handle your own situation as well as much as a three-year-old and an eight-year-old can handle their own situation, right?

And then I'm also.

figuring out while helping my children learn how to set boundaries while giving them love and helping them respect other people boundaries because that's another big one. Y'all, I'm teaching them this while I'm learning how to do this myself.

I would.

married for some years. So for me and for everyone around me, everyone is used to wife Dom

They're used to me, okay, I'll take care of everything. Being over accommodating, being, okay, you know what, this is what we're gonna do. All right, this is the issue. Don't worry about it, wife Dom to the rescue, right? Everyone's accustomed to that.

But now they have to realize that wife Dom is gone.

Wife Dom is gone. And when I become a wife again, because I still believe in marriage, I would love to get married again. When the time is right, to the right person that is a perfect fit for myself and my children.

I will be a different version of Wife Dom

Because even through this process, I can see and feel my growth. And I can see and feel me changing and getting out of that naive little girl mindset and more so as a loving, kind-hearted woman who created these boundaries, who respects other boundaries. I was already doing respecting others boundaries.

but I wasn't necessarily creating my own boundaries. So now the wife dom is out the window. For some people, it has some people up in arms. no, why isn't she this accommodating? Nope. Myself and my children come first.

So, Wife Dom is out the window. That hat, I won't even say it's been burned because I enjoy being a wife. Don't get it twisted. But, let's just say that hat, went on, let's just say I went on a cruise, had an amazing time on that cruise, on said cruise. And on the last day of cruising, the very last night, it was a windy night.

and that hat just blew away in the wind ended up somewhere in the ocean. Somewhere in the ocean for another young lady who's on a small boat who likes to go fishing, finds it, picks it up and be like, hmm, maybe this had to serve for me. Maybe it would be of service to me. Maybe I could do this in justice.

That's how I view wife Dom

She didn't come back with the cruise. The cruise left and wife Dom did not come back with the cruise. She left with the cruise but she didn't come back. That's how I feel about

So

to circle back and wrench around all of the single moms out there. If you are newly divorced or even if you've been through a divorce, hey, help us a stack. Share some things that you have learned because y'all, this is a constant journey for me. It's a constant journey.

Like, even if we're being completely candid, there is a difference when you have to manage things all alone. I'm used to managing things. I've been a manager at different businesses, things like that. I'm also a professor. I write curriculum, all type of stuff. So all of that has to do with me managing.

As a wife, I managed our household and I also managed our finances as well. So I'm used to managing things. It's just that now I'm in such a financial independent place to where

is so new

Because at this moment, every dollar I earn is not just money. For me, it's proof that I can stand on my own two feet.

It's proof that I can do this and I am doing this on my own, regardless of what other people may think is capable or possible.

I am proof to myself every time I earn a dollar.

that I can stand on my own two feet. And not only can I stand on my own two feet, I'm standing on my own two feet with my children on my shoulders.

I'm standing on my own two feet while holding and propping my children up at every turn.

And I'm proud of myself for that. I'm doing a damn good job at it. Are there days where I'm like, my goodness, if I could just sleep in today and not go to work or not hustle to make this money and not try to find fun and creative ways to make money.

Hell yeah, there's days like that.

It's worth it. That's the main thing is that it's worth it.

And for me, I'm not even gonna hold y'all. There may be, especially, you know, when I look on social media and stuff like that, when I listen to other podcasts or see other people's views on social media and stuff, I see the negative talk around single moms. I see the talk where they're just like, no man is gonna want you as a single mom. You have more than one kid? no, men aren't gonna want you. They're not gonna cherish you.

And I'm just like, who is spreading the lies and the propaganda?

Who's spreading the lies and the propaganda? Because as a single mom and the other single moms that I know, we have no issues finding a man. We have no issues with men coming up and trying to talk to us, trying to get our number, things like that.

I've already a child. my gosh, y'all. I've already been told like, I will take care of you and your kids. Stop playing with me. I've been told that a couple of times and I'm new to being seen. I feel like I'm still, you know, my feet are still, they're still getting wet when it comes to being a divorced single mom. Or I see the propaganda where it's like, well, she chose to be a single mom. And it's like, okay, there are cases.

where people choose to be single parents, there are those cases. why? Think about the reasons why they chose that. And there's other cases like myself where it's like, hey, I didn't expect to be a single mom. I didn't long to be a single mom. Never expected to be a single mom, ever. I had my kids after I got married. I expected my marriage to last forever. But things happen.

People grow apart. And then sometimes a woman's just going to leave relationship because she's not going to deal with the bullshit. She's not going to deal with the BS. She's not going to deal with maybe there's a lifestyle change for the other party where she's like, nope, I'm allergic. I'm not dealing with this. As we grow, just like I'm changing everyone in the world, we all go through some type of changes. We get older. And sometimes those changes do not align.

with the changes that our partner has made.

So then you both make the decision to go your separate ways.

There's situations like that. Or what about my single moms who you have some single moms who are single moms because the father of their children passed away.

But on some of these podcasts or on social media, they're not going to mention none of that. They're going to make it seem like, we made terrible choices. And the men that we laid down with and we made our bed, let's lay in it. Hey, let's not act like some people can't flip the switch either. We're not going to play these games and act like it's not people out here.

who may act like Prince Charming or Princess Charming and they're all good. But guess what? Sometimes it's easy for someone to keep up with the facade and pretend to be someone that they're not for so long.

until the real them shows their head and you're like, it's been 20 years and I thought it was this person. Who is this person that's talking to me like this? Who is this person hurting my feelings? Who is this person disrespecting me right now?

What about those moments?

They don't want to talk about that. They just want to us out to be crazy. Even though a good amount of the people who talk negatively about single moms, a good amount of them are the same ones who were raised by single moms.

So now we can start to unpack the psychology of it all. Is this really how you feel about single moms? Or are you projecting the feelings that you have towards your mother that you can never feel comfortable enough to tell your mom to her face? So you're projecting it onto other single moms.

What's really going on here?

So we have all these different things that's going to talk all this trash about single moms. But one thing that I've learned, y'all, in this short amount of time is there's so many good men out here. There's plenty of single, men, kind-hearted men, men who don't care how many children you have, men who are going to treat your children right. There's plenty of them.

They just may not get the play that the other guys get because maybe they're not seen as that. Maybe they're not that cool. Maybe it's the nerdy guys who don't have any game. Maybe it's the cool and quirky fun guys who don't have any game. Or the real handsome dude in the corner who's quiet and everyone's just like, he's so mysterious. But no, he's just a shy person. He's just a shy person.

And his anxiety won't let him approach women, the women that he like.

There's plenty of them out there. I don't care what nobody say there's plenty of good men out there.

But you know what I was just thinking? They also don't mention how as single moms, we have to be extra vigilant in who we choose as a partner.

It's one thing to have someone to just release those bodily urges with. And it's another thing to find someone where you see a future with, where you can potentially see how they are with your children, see how your children mesh with them, see how they would work in being added to your family dynamic.

But they really don't talk about how we have to be so vigilant and so picky with who we allow in our lives because we aren't just coming into a relationship by ourselves. We don't have baggage. I'm never calling my children baggage, but I am a package deal. You gonna get me and my two kids straight like that.

So that means I have to make sure that you're someone that can be a leader. I'm not saying you have to make the most money in the world because there's other ways to lead. Leading is not necessarily about, is not solely about financially providing. Leading is I need to make sure that your ways are not going to turn my children or my boys into F boys, into boys who

can't take accountability for themselves. And the boys who like to be babied. And to boys who, right, like I need to make sure that you're gonna love my children like they're your own.

I'm not saying you have to be perfect. I just need to make sure that you can love my children like they're your own. That your family can accept my children like they came from your seat.

I need to make sure that when people ask you how many kids you have, when we get married, you gotta already know, yeah, we have two children, cuz we do. Or however many children he may have. If he have two, I have two, okay, we have four children.

That's the type of energy that I need. And with the amount of people who don't believe in therapy, the amount of men sometimes who don't believe in therapy, who have all these dog on mommy issues. y'all, I'm not correcting no more mommy issues. I'm telling y'all that right now. I am not doing it. I need you to come already. Already.

loving your mama, wanting to talk to your mama, but still understanding that family comes first.

because when it's time for me to add another individual to the equation

I want the basis of it to be something like, our family may look different now, but the love is stronger than ever. I want something that's going to give those type of vibes. And I'm not rushing that either.

still learning, I'm still growing, I'm still figuring this stuff out. I'm still figuring out co-parenting where one party is doing most of the co-parenting. I'm still trying to figure out

making sure I have that balance of being the nurturer and being the disciplinarian and being the financial, the main financial party of being the person that's consistently there on a day-to-day basis while also making sure that I'm not

taken away from my femininity.

in the process, right, of wearing all of these hats and of taking care of all of these aspects all the time every single day.

It just feels like right now I'm not just a single mom. I'm a woman rediscovering her light.

I'm rediscovering my passions, my strengths, my weaknesses.

accepting that I am a single mother while also making sure that I identify beyond being a single mother.

And for me, during this podcast, the resurgence of me using my poetry to help guide me through this healing journey, through this journey of personal growth.

It's been...

It's been pivotal in giving me my strength during this time period.

And that is something that I'm very proud of myself for. Just finding things.

that allows me to get it out.

especially since I'm learning that in this journey, I've never been an angry person too much. But y'all, I've had some angry moments.

And in these angry moments, I just want to scream sometimes.

And quite frankly, it's not so much anger, it's frustration. It's more frustration with, I'd say about 75 % frustration and like 25 % anger. And it's trying to navigate through that. So that way I'm not just, I don't want to brush the frustrations and the angers to the side because I need to make sure that these are things that I'm constantly working through.

So that way I can move on. I'm not trying to be at a place where I'm allowing myself to get angry every other day or allowing myself to be hurt every other day. Now don't get me wrong, it is easier said than done. It's definitely easier said than done. Especially in those moments where I'm like, dang, I get angry at, sometimes I'll get angry at myself.

Even when it's something that I had no control over, I'll get angry at myself for being in this particular predicament.

And then I have to remind myself like, girl, what would have been the other option?

Because I need my children to see me during those good times and those happy moments. I need my children to see me constantly being treated well, constantly being respected, constantly being loved. If that's all they grew up seeing, I'm not going to ruin that for them.

And let them all of a sudden see mom not being as kindly treated as she should be. We're not doing it.

I need my children to understand, they deserve respect, they deserve love, they deserve kindness, just as mommy deserves it. Just like everybody else deserves that. Well, almost everybody, but y'all get matured, okay?

because every challenge that I faced as a mom is a lesson my kids will one day call strength. They're going to get older and look back and say, yo, my mama was resilient as hell. She was resilient. She was dedicated. She had grit. Whatever term that they're going to be using 18, 20, 30 years from now, that's what I want my children to view me as, which is why I'm working so hard.

and putting in the work and awarding myself grace throughout my healing journey. Because healing is not a luxury. It's survival when you're a single mom. It's survival. We have to keep healing so we can survive as single moms.

Okay, so thank you for sitting with me on the girl, come sit with me podcast. I hope you all have a phenomenal week. Please, y'all, I told y'all I'm new to this journey. So if you have any type of advice or anything that helps you through being a single mom, anything that you, some lessons you've learned, I'd love to learn through you because I'm not trying to learn every lesson on my own.

Okay, so I would love to learn through you. For those of you who've gone through divorce or is currently going through divorce, I would love to learn from your journey as well. Okay, so thank you for tuning in to the girl. Come sit with me. Have a beautiful day.

Girl, let's get into some real time because this week was a beautiful and not so gentle reminder that girl, you are a divorced single mother.

I had to remind myself that I already know it. I'm living the life of it. But let's be real. The way I'm set up, I don't know about anyone else, but the way I'm set up, I'm one of those worker bees that just, I know how to keep going and keep going and keep going. Let things roll off of me, get a calm breather, keep trying and do pretty well at keeping my equilibrium no matter what's going on.

But if I'm being honest with myself, this week was a reminder that sometimes things do get hard. It's not easy. Just because I make it look easy, for those of who are not in this predicament, but maybe you know someone who is a divorced single mom or just a single mom in general, or just someone who's going through a divorce or has been divorced or is newly divorced.

A, just because we make it look easy does not mean that it is easy. Books can be deceiving. How many times have we been told not to judge a book by its cover? And I'm a prime example of that. Don't judge a book by its cover, because I'm going make it look easy every time, especially when it comes to my kids.

I have two little boys. So when it comes to them, I'm gonna make it look like, hey, do they know that mommy has her moments? Do they understand life up? Okay, honey, mommy's overstimulated right now. Just give me a couple minutes. My kids now understand what overstimulated means to where now my eight year old uses it. And I'm not even mad at that. Because when we need a break, we gotta take a break. The thing is,

as a single mom, we may not get the birth that we that we would like to get. It just it is what it is okay.

But being a single mom doesn't mean that I'm alone. It means I've learned to carry twice the weight with half the hands. And it's just that simple.

You know, being a married woman, my children were used to that dynamic, their father in the house, things of that nature. To now, hey, I'm co-parenting. Or maybe there's a lack thereof. And it can feel limiting at times, but...

What's helping me now as far as my mental, what's helping me really hone in on making sure that I'm not drained all the time from carrying twice the weight with half the hands is facing the challenges of communication.

because it can be difficult when one party communicates better than the other. Right? Another thing that's helping me is setting boundaries. Ooh, y'all. The pushback I've been getting from setting boundaries and the fact that I just do not give a fuck.

I'm at a place where I put my boundaries in place for a reason. For a reason.

As a single mom, as a divorced single mom, I carry a lot of loads just like many. First of all, being a mom in itself means that we carry a lot of loads. A lot of our titles. my goodness, y'all. A lot of our titles mean that we carry so many hats, right? We carry so many hats. You got a hat that you carry as that you may have as a wife, which means that I'm going to show up

the best I can for my husband or for your wife or for them, right? Then you also have the mama hat. I'm going to show up the best I can for my children. Then we have the, I'm a boss hat. Maybe I'm an entrepreneur or someone who works a nine to five. Guess what? That's a working hat. So I'm going to show the best I can for the business that I run or the business that I work for or somewhere in between. Right?

I'm a daughter hat. I'm someone's daughter. All these hats mean that this is us putting on this hat and the responsibilities that come with it in order for us to show up the best we can to help someone else. But you know what my boundaries help me do? My boundaries help me secure my hat that is for me.

my boundaries help me show up the best I can for myself.

Because outside of all of these titles, all of these labels, who am I? Being divorced and going through divorce has really forced me to show up more for myself. It's forced me to put myself first. What do they tell us on the plane? Who do we put? We got to put the mask on ourselves first before we put it on the children then, right?

It's the same thing. My boundaries is my way of putting my mask on first. Of saving myself. And that can be saving myself from whatever it is. Whether it's physically, emotionally, y'all know I've been studying psychology for Lord knows how long. It's psychologically. It's me showing up for myself because that's what I deserve.

What good is it for me to show off for everybody else if I don't know who I am?

if I can't figure out what I need, what I want, what I like, what I don't like.

So my boundaries absolutely.

help me to show up for myself the best way I can. And guess what? If people can't accept that, if they can't respect that, it is what it is. Because it's for me. It's for me.

Now another thing that is also for me is me finding a way to balance.

roles. What do I mean by this? So I'm talking about balancing roles when I'm shouldering most of the parenting load.

I have come to the conclusion that I am not going to try to be the mother and the father in my situation. I'm not going to try to be that for my children. I'm not. What I can do though is be the best mother I can be.

make sure that I'm constantly reevaluating certain things not to where I am over analytical or not to where I am putting myself down or girl you should have did this better you should did this better no it simply means that I am going to show up for my children as much as possible so that way in me they could see consistency

In me, they can see love. In me, they can see the joy that they bring me. So that way they can understand that they're alike too. They're important as well. They have the ability to shift the energy of a room. I need them to understand their power.

And I try to make sure that my parenting helps them understand that.

So for me, my parenting style is, I know I'm an authoritative parent, I already know that. But for me, my parenting style also involves being the best mom I can be.

I'm not your dad. I can't pretend to be your dad.

Now sometimes in the midst of doing and doing and going and going, handling everything, figuring out what's going on, putting out all of these different fires in different aspects of my life,

There are times where I feel the weight of both parental loads.

because as a single mom, I wear two hats. And some days they both feel too heavy to hold, way too heavy. Some days I'm just absolutely allergic.

Now, I'm not the parent that is like, hey, on Father's Day, want to give, on Mother's Day, want to give, on all the days I want to give. I'm not necessarily that person, but I understand the people who are that person.

because it is a lot.

Because let's be real about it. It is a lot and it's overbearing at times. I know for me, when I think of, when I say both parenting roles, I'm not necessarily talking like, I have to play the mother and the father, because I already told y'all. I'm not trying to pretend to be a dad. I like being in my feminine bag. I like my children seeing my feminine energy. I enjoy.

when my boys show me moments that, hey, I know mommy is a girl. So my son will open the door for me or he'll wait to walk through a door. He'll wait for me to walk through a door. And he's like, ladies first, mommy. my goodness. Y'all, little moments like that touches my entire spirit. Fully touches me. I'm just like, honey, thank you so much. I love those moments where they realize

Mommy's a girl. I enjoy those moments. So when I say parental, both parental loads, I'm talking mostly about, think about it, as a single mother, I'm dealing with the emotional aspect.

of making sure my children are okay, how they're doing, checking in, right? I'm talking about the day-to-day loads, meaning the day-to-day, the daily activities, waking them up, dealing with whatever attitude they're having that moment. There's moments where my youngest, my baby, run up, my goodness. There's moments where he's going to wake up and be energetic as heck. I mean, wakes up, running around the house, full speed, asking everyone,

I want bread. He's gonna bring you the bread and he's gonna bring you one of his either smoothies or one of his cute little water bottles. I want bread. I want water. Please, please. And if he's hype, it's please, right? So there's moments he wakes up like that. And there's also moments where Ronna's gonna wake up and just not want to be bothered.

Some of us have had, I know I'm not, all of us have had those moments where you wake up your children and they're just like, they're just groggy and you may be energetic in the world and trying to get them to be as ready for the day as you are, that's taxing in itself some days.

So I'm talking about the waking them up, the dealing with their different personalities, understanding how your children move, navigating them through things like school, through things like school, friendships, understanding how the world works. My son asked me the other day, he said,

What did he say? He said something about Joe Biden and something else about Trump. And I was like, whoa, okay. So you are paying attention when we talk about politics, things like that. Okay, you're eight years old. So now that I see you're doing that, okay. Now I can, you know.

allow you or even tune you into some of our conversations. See what is your opinion on this, especially if it make it more age appropriate for him to fully understand and create his own opinion. So I'm talking about doing that, making sure they brush their teeth, wash their face. my goodness, don't get me started on homework. Don't get me started on homework. Or seeing how they navigate through certain situations.

So I'm talking about the day-to-day living. I'm also talking about the financial aspect of it as well.

as a single parent, single mother, single father, guess what usually happens? We got to be their emotion. We are the emotional support. We're the physical support. Now we're the financial support. We're the financial support. We're the financial support.

And now it's like, okay, I'm being the nurturer and the disciplinarian, helping them understand that someone who loves you is going to hold you accountable. I don't want to raise my children to be the type of person where if someone holds them accountable, they don't want to talk to anybody that's gonna hold them accountable. They only want to talk to people who's going to agree with all of their shenanigans.

or who's going to egg on or cheer on all of their shenanigans. No. I would love for my children to be able to take criticism, constructive criticism, understand it if it's from someone that you love or that you care or that you trust. Understand that it's coming from positive place. It's not someone trying to bring you down. It's someone trying to make you better.

So that I think about it, suppose that is a plus about being a single parent, about being a single mom. Y'all, I started calling myself a single mom this last week. I ain't even gonna hold y'all. I haven't been with this man in Lorde. I haven't been with my ex-husband in Lorde knows how long. And I just started calling myself, I was like, hey, hence why we got this episode today. I am fully like, I mean, realizing like, girl, you're a full

Single mom.

So said, yep, that's definitely why we're having this conversation today.

because as the nurturer and the disciplinarian.

I don't want to, I can never be too nurturing, in my opinion. I can never be too nurturing.

But I also need to make sure that my children understand consequences. There's consequences for your actions. For every action, there's a reaction.

Now, there are moments where...

Think about how I handle moments of guilt Are there moments of guilt? Absolutely. So I have moments of overcompensation Because I feel like especially in the beginning and this is something that I'm actively Working through so I've only been a single mom for snap we at the end of this year so almost two years

So for those of you who have been single moms for longer and you have advice, I'm gonna be real with y'all. I'm here to take it because, or at least consider it because this is still fairly new to me. And I'm still in a place where I'm trying to figure out, I'm in this weird place where I feel different emotions at different times, meaning.

It's like, I don't mind doing everything. Though I wish I didn't have to, absolutely. But I don't mind doing everything because of the joy and seeing my children and being around them and looking in their eyes or me waking up and watching them and realizing that they're staring at me, that they're staring at me while I'm sleeping. I live for those moments. But just know there are moments of guilt where I'm like,

Okay, I could have handled that situation better with my children or with the co-parent. I could have handled that better. Okay, all right. I know there's moments where I overcompensate. And I'm trying to make sure that those moments don't hinder my children's growth.

So I don't want to be the overbearing parent because I need them to learn how to problem solve. I want them to learn how to problem solve, but also understand that as your mother, I'm going to be there every step of the way. I'm going to be right behind you. I'm going to be a couple steps behind you because I'm going to let you handle your own situation as well as much as a three-year-old and an eight-year-old can handle their own situation, right?

And then I'm also.

figuring out while helping my children learn how to set boundaries while giving them love and helping them respect other people boundaries because that's another big one. Y'all, I'm teaching them this while I'm learning how to do this myself.

I would.

married for some years. So for me and for everyone around me, everyone is used to wife Dom

They're used to me, okay, I'll take care of everything. Being over accommodating, being, okay, you know what, this is what we're gonna do. All right, this is the issue. Don't worry about it, wife Dom to the rescue, right? Everyone's accustomed to that.

But now they have to realize that wife Dom is gone.

Wife Dom is gone. And when I become a wife again, because I still believe in marriage, I would love to get married again. When the time is right, to the right person that is a perfect fit for myself and my children.

I will be a different version of Wife Dom

Because even through this process, I can see and feel my growth. And I can see and feel me changing and getting out of that naive little girl mindset and more so as a loving, kind-hearted woman who created these boundaries, who respects other boundaries. I was already doing respecting others boundaries.

but I wasn't necessarily creating my own boundaries. So now the wife dom is out the window. For some people, it has some people up in arms. no, why isn't she this accommodating? Nope. Myself and my children come first.

So, Wife Dom is out the window. That hat, I won't even say it's been burned because I enjoy being a wife. Don't get it twisted. But, let's just say that hat, went on, let's just say I went on a cruise, had an amazing time on that cruise, on said cruise. And on the last day of cruising, the very last night, it was a windy night.

and that hat just blew away in the wind ended up somewhere in the ocean. Somewhere in the ocean for another young lady who's on a small boat who likes to go fishing, finds it, picks it up and be like, hmm, maybe this had to serve for me. Maybe it would be of service to me. Maybe I could do this in justice.

That's how I view wife Dom

She didn't come back with the cruise. The cruise left and wife Dom did not come back with the cruise. She left with the cruise but she didn't come back. That's how I feel about

So

to circle back and wrench around all of the single moms out there. If you are newly divorced or even if you've been through a divorce, hey, help us a stack. Share some things that you have learned because y'all, this is a constant journey for me. It's a constant journey.

Like, even if we're being completely candid, there is a difference when you have to manage things all alone. I'm used to managing things. I've been a manager at different businesses, things like that. I'm also a professor. I write curriculum, all type of stuff. So all of that has to do with me managing.

As a wife, I managed our household and I also managed our finances as well. So I'm used to managing things. It's just that now I'm in such a financial independent place to where

is so new

Because at this moment, every dollar I earn is not just money. For me, it's proof that I can stand on my own two feet.

It's proof that I can do this and I am doing this on my own, regardless of what other people may think is capable or possible.

I am proof to myself every time I earn a dollar.

that I can stand on my own two feet. And not only can I stand on my own two feet, I'm standing on my own two feet with my children on my shoulders.

I'm standing on my own two feet while holding and propping my children up at every turn.

And I'm proud of myself for that. I'm doing a damn good job at it. Are there days where I'm like, my goodness, if I could just sleep in today and not go to work or not hustle to make this money and not try to find fun and creative ways to make money.

Hell yeah, there's days like that.

It's worth it. That's the main thing is that it's worth it.

And for me, I'm not even gonna hold y'all. There may be, especially, you know, when I look on social media and stuff like that, when I listen to other podcasts or see other people's views on social media and stuff, I see the negative talk around single moms. I see the talk where they're just like, no man is gonna want you as a single mom. You have more than one kid? no, men aren't gonna want you. They're not gonna cherish you.

And I'm just like, who is spreading the lies and the propaganda?

Who's spreading the lies and the propaganda? Because as a single mom and the other single moms that I know, we have no issues finding a man. We have no issues with men coming up and trying to talk to us, trying to get our number, things like that.

I've already a child. my gosh, y'all. I've already been told like, I will take care of you and your kids. Stop playing with me. I've been told that a couple of times and I'm new to being seen. I feel like I'm still, you know, my feet are still, they're still getting wet when it comes to being a divorced single mom. Or I see the propaganda where it's like, well, she chose to be a single mom. And it's like, okay, there are cases.

where people choose to be single parents, there are those cases. why? Think about the reasons why they chose that. And there's other cases like myself where it's like, hey, I didn't expect to be a single mom. I didn't long to be a single mom. Never expected to be a single mom, ever. I had my kids after I got married. I expected my marriage to last forever. But things happen.

People grow apart. And then sometimes a woman's just going to leave relationship because she's not going to deal with the bullshit. She's not going to deal with the BS. She's not going to deal with maybe there's a lifestyle change for the other party where she's like, nope, I'm allergic. I'm not dealing with this. As we grow, just like I'm changing everyone in the world, we all go through some type of changes. We get older. And sometimes those changes do not align.

with the changes that our partner has made.

So then you both make the decision to go your separate ways.

There's situations like that. Or what about my single moms who you have some single moms who are single moms because the father of their children passed away.

But on some of these podcasts or on social media, they're not going to mention none of that. They're going to make it seem like, we made terrible choices. And the men that we laid down with and we made our bed, let's lay in it. Hey, let's not act like some people can't flip the switch either. We're not going to play these games and act like it's not people out here.

who may act like Prince Charming or Princess Charming and they're all good. But guess what? Sometimes it's easy for someone to keep up with the facade and pretend to be someone that they're not for so long.

until the real them shows their head and you're like, it's been 20 years and I thought it was this person. Who is this person that's talking to me like this? Who is this person hurting my feelings? Who is this person disrespecting me right now?

What about those moments?

They don't want to talk about that. They just want to us out to be crazy. Even though a good amount of the people who talk negatively about single moms, a good amount of them are the same ones who were raised by single moms.

So now we can start to unpack the psychology of it all. Is this really how you feel about single moms? Or are you projecting the feelings that you have towards your mother that you can never feel comfortable enough to tell your mom to her face? So you're projecting it onto other single moms.

What's really going on here?

So we have all these different things that's going to talk all this trash about single moms. But one thing that I've learned, y'all, in this short amount of time is there's so many good men out here. There's plenty of single, men, kind-hearted men, men who don't care how many children you have, men who are going to treat your children right. There's plenty of them.

They just may not get the play that the other guys get because maybe they're not seen as that. Maybe they're not that cool. Maybe it's the nerdy guys who don't have any game. Maybe it's the cool and quirky fun guys who don't have any game. Or the real handsome dude in the corner who's quiet and everyone's just like, he's so mysterious. But no, he's just a shy person. He's just a shy person.

And his anxiety won't let him approach women, the women that he like.

There's plenty of them out there. I don't care what nobody say there's plenty of good men out there.

But you know what I was just thinking? They also don't mention how as single moms, we have to be extra vigilant in who we choose as a partner.

It's one thing to have someone to just release those bodily urges with. And it's another thing to find someone where you see a future with, where you can potentially see how they are with your children, see how your children mesh with them, see how they would work in being added to your family dynamic.

But they really don't talk about how we have to be so vigilant and so picky with who we allow in our lives because we aren't just coming into a relationship by ourselves. We don't have baggage. I'm never calling my children baggage, but I am a package deal. You gonna get me and my two kids straight like that.

So that means I have to make sure that you're someone that can be a leader. I'm not saying you have to make the most money in the world because there's other ways to lead. Leading is not necessarily about, is not solely about financially providing. Leading is I need to make sure that your ways are not going to turn my children or my boys into F boys, into boys who

can't take accountability for themselves. And the boys who like to be babied. And to boys who, right, like I need to make sure that you're gonna love my children like they're your own.

I'm not saying you have to be perfect. I just need to make sure that you can love my children like they're your own. That your family can accept my children like they came from your seat.

I need to make sure that when people ask you how many kids you have, when we get married, you gotta already know, yeah, we have two children, cuz we do. Or however many children he may have. If he have two, I have two, okay, we have four children.

That's the type of energy that I need. And with the amount of people who don't believe in therapy, the amount of men sometimes who don't believe in therapy, who have all these dog on mommy issues. y'all, I'm not correcting no more mommy issues. I'm telling y'all that right now. I am not doing it. I need you to come already. Already.

loving your mama, wanting to talk to your mama, but still understanding that family comes first.

because when it's time for me to add another individual to the equation

I want the basis of it to be something like, our family may look different now, but the love is stronger than ever. I want something that's going to give those type of vibes. And I'm not rushing that either.

still learning, I'm still growing, I'm still figuring this stuff out. I'm still figuring out co-parenting where one party is doing most of the co-parenting. I'm still trying to figure out

making sure I have that balance of being the nurturer and being the disciplinarian and being the financial, the main financial party of being the person that's consistently there on a day-to-day basis while also making sure that I'm not

taken away from my femininity.

in the process, right, of wearing all of these hats and of taking care of all of these aspects all the time every single day.

It just feels like right now I'm not just a single mom. I'm a woman rediscovering her light.

I'm rediscovering my passions, my strengths, my weaknesses.

accepting that I am a single mother while also making sure that I identify beyond being a single mother.

And for me, during this podcast, the resurgence of me using my poetry to help guide me through this healing journey, through this journey of personal growth.

It's been...

It's been pivotal in giving me my strength during this time period.

And that is something that I'm very proud of myself for. Just finding things.

that allows me to get it out.

especially since I'm learning that in this journey, I've never been an angry person too much. But y'all, I've had some angry moments.

And in these angry moments, I just want to scream sometimes.

And quite frankly, it's not so much anger, it's frustration. It's more frustration with, I'd say about 75 % frustration and like 25 % anger. And it's trying to navigate through that. So that way I'm not just, I don't want to brush the frustrations and the angers to the side because I need to make sure that these are things that I'm constantly working through.

So that way I can move on. I'm not trying to be at a place where I'm allowing myself to get angry every other day or allowing myself to be hurt every other day. Now don't get me wrong, it is easier said than done. It's definitely easier said than done. Especially in those moments where I'm like, dang, I get angry at, sometimes I'll get angry at myself.

Even when it's something that I had no control over, I'll get angry at myself for being in this particular predicament.

And then I have to remind myself like, girl, what would have been the other option?

Because I need my children to see me during those good times and those happy moments. I need my children to see me constantly being treated well, constantly being respected, constantly being loved. If that's all they grew up seeing, I'm not going to ruin that for them.

And let them all of a sudden see mom not being as kindly treated as she should be. We're not doing it.

I need my children to understand, they deserve respect, they deserve love, they deserve kindness, just as mommy deserves it. Just like everybody else deserves that. Well, almost everybody, but y'all get matured, okay?

because every challenge that I faced as a mom is a lesson my kids will one day call strength. They're going to get older and look back and say, yo, my mama was resilient as hell. She was resilient. She was dedicated. She had grit. Whatever term that they're going to be using 18, 20, 30 years from now, that's what I want my children to view me as, which is why I'm working so hard.

and putting in the work and awarding myself grace throughout my healing journey. Because healing is not a luxury. It's survival when you're a single mom. It's survival. We have to keep healing so we can survive as single moms.

Okay, so thank you for sitting with me on the girl, come sit with me podcast. I hope you all have a phenomenal week. Please, y'all, I told y'all I'm new to this journey. So if you have any type of advice or anything that helps you through being a single mom, anything that you, some lessons you've learned, I'd love to learn through you because I'm not trying to learn every lesson on my own.

Okay, so I would love to learn through you. For those of you who've gone through divorce or is currently going through divorce, I would love to learn from your journey as well. Okay, so thank you for tuning in to the girl. Come sit with me. Have a beautiful day.