Welcome to Grief: Psychological Insights & How to Survive It

 In this heartfelt episode of "Girl, Come Sit With Me," we dive into the complex and deeply personal experience of grief. From the sudden loss of loved ones to the quiet mourning of life’s unmet expectations, we explore how grief extends far beyond death. Sharing personal stories of loss and reflecting on the diverse ways we grieve—from relationships to identities—we delve into the importance of acknowledging and validating every form of grief. 

Whether you're grieving a loved one, a relationship, or an identity, this episode offers insights on how to heal and move forward. Listen in as I unpack strategies that can help you process and navigate through grief, no matter what form it takes. And let's tackle ways to survive the waves of pain that follow.

Tune in as we explore how grief shapes us, how we cope, and how healing is possible through understanding our emotions and embracing our pain. 

Transcript

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How in the world did I end up approximately 2 miles away from my college apartment on the sidewalk in the middle of the night hyperventilating and my phone was ringing? I had no idea how I got there. The ringing of my phone released me from whatever trance I was in. And boy, do I wish I could've stayed in that trance because the immense amount of pain that I felt all over me was unfathomable. It wasn't until I answered my phone and my cousin asked me, Dom, baby, where are you? That it all came rushing to me. Y'all, I had unconsciously walked or ran and didn't stop for 2 miles. It was as if I was running from reality while also searching for someone I would never see again. A horrific accident claimed my dad's life. My daddy was gone. Time of death lined up with my 9 unanswered calls to him. My calls were just a couple minutes too late. And the wild part is, I only called him because I felt the change. I felt something was amiss. Something was off. Welcome to girl, come sit with me. This is your safe space for untold stories, personal growth, and embracing the journey of life. With a background in psychology and a passion for healing, I explore topics like divorce, greed, motherhood, and personal transformation, sharing my experiences and poems along the way. So thanks for joining the Dom show. But do know this isn't just a podcast. It's a Viber community where women come together to support, inspire, and uplift each other. Here, we're creating a nurturing environment for sharing, connecting, and empowering one another. So expect to get real and raw. We're gonna learn some things, heal from some things, and laugh about a whole lot of things. So come sit with us, girl. Let's embark on this journey of self discovery, healing, and growth together. In our shared space, every voice is valued and together, we're stronger. I knew today was going to be about grief. I could feel it. Grief has been on me for a minute now, even in the midst of all of my joy and all of my hope that I have, and this refreshing feeling that I feel, I'd say grief has still been right there. Now I'm fresh from Georgia from a funeral, and the country has a way of bringing out all of my emotions to the forefront. I don't know if it's the air, the knowing I'm safe, all these doggone trees, or what. But every time I come here, I look at the blue sky, and to me, it's like the sky looks bluer. If it's daytime, it looks brighter. When it's nighttime, the stars look even more vibrant. But at this particular moment, I looked at the blue sky and the clouds moving by beyond the tree branches that were blowing in the wind, and any emotion that I feel in those moments seems to finally hit me. Do you have this issue, or is it just me? I know that all of us have emotions. We all have feelings. I just don't necessarily feel those emotions all the time, or perhaps I'm just not awarded the luxury of feeling my actual feelings. It takes time for things to hit me. Now I don't know if this is my immune system trying to help me out or my nervous system trying to help me out. However, I am greatly appreciative of it. Now I don't mind admitting that I am not the most emotional person or not the person to outwardly show and display my emotions often. It's very easy for me to display happiness and joy and peace and contentment. However, I am not the person that's going to give you the big reaction if something is going on. That's not how my brain works. That's just not how I operate. I naturally go into this thing of, okay. What do we do now? Since a lot of times, things do put me in shock when emergency situations happen. But instead of me freezing, I kinda go into straight action mode. So sometimes in those moments, I can be more solution based versus the most emotional, at least when it comes to my emotions. It's easier for me to explain empathy with someone else, identify with how they're feeling, give them the news a certain way. My grief shows up in different ways depending on how zen I am, what it pertains to, and if in that moment I'm grieving one thing or multiple. There have been times where one thing can trigger or one thing can retrigger the grief of several other things or where I may not have had the time or the opportunity to grieve someone or something. And what ends up happening is something else will happen, and now I'll find myself oh, snap. I'm grieving multiple variables here. What is going on? Right? Now today, I'm grieving for people, but we can grieve a multitude of things. For me, it's multiple people right now. My aunt Dee just passed away. Mind you, we just buried my cousin, her grandson, 2 months ago. And a month before that, my granny passed. And for those of you who are new to the podcast, my mom and my granny raised me. So today, I don't feel sad. I feel jittery and unorganized as if I cannot focus on anything. I feel tired, and I keep unsuccessfully seeking a moment of solitude. Somewhere between losing multiple people from my dad to my best friend to my granny has left me rather numb. So my grief no longer appears in the form of tears. Instead, it's a pure it kinda feels like a pure tragedy. Losing my cousin this summer leaves my eyes glossy every time I think of it or see some handsome chocolate man with locks because I'm still in this weird space of searching for my little cousin. So he had beautiful locks. And I know this stage where I'm searching for certain loved ones may last a while because when my dad passed away, that lasted for years. It was as if I was searching for my dad, not in people, but in things. I was searching and avoiding at the same time. Let me explain. Tell me if you have experienced this or if it sounds like I was just cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs and completely out of my mind. So what will happen is I would go to different places. You know, you keep living life. So you're experiencing different things. At any time something remind me of my dad, I would get so excited, yes, and filled with so much emotion. It would choke me up. And for a while, it seemed like everything reminded me of him. Things that shouldn't remind me of my dad was reminding me of him. I was listening to music one day, and it was a new song on the radio. It was new. That man was already dead. So that means that he never heard the song. I was like, oh, my dad woulda liked this song. He woulda really liked this song. And that put me in a little spiral. Now, mind you, the song was I can't even remember what it was. I just know it was sung by a lady, and 9 times out of 10, now I look back on it. My dad probably would have hated that song, which is probably why it reminded me of him because of our relationship. Part of our bond was me harassing my dad because it was so hilarious. We're so similar in so many ways. I would just find joy in aggravating him, And he's going to get me back every single time because he was petty. So he was going to get me back every single time. Okay? Quick story. So one time one time, I called my dad. I was in college. I was intoxicated. I had been drinking. Keep in mind, I was probably I think I was 21 when I started drinking, and this was right when I first started drinking. Meaning, I had no understanding of my limit, so I would just get tipsy and then stop because I was too afraid of being drunk. Completely too afraid of that. So I called my dad in the middle of the night. It was a college town. So think about it. Everything closes at about 2 AM. This was after that time because I went to a after party. After the clubs had closed, I went to a after house party. And I called my dad, intoxicated, and was just like, dad, I love you so much. Mind you, my my poor mother, she got the same call, but it was worse because I called her even later after I had a whole another drink. My dad got the PG 13 version of this. My mom got, like, the rated r version of this. And I was just telling him how much I loved him, how much I appreciated him, how even though I would get frustrated with him being in college for almost 15 years, I still appreciated him and I still value him. And I was so grateful that we were still close in the midst of everything from him being locked up to him being on the run to just everything. Right? Well, Dom, remember to delete the last line. We can keep that between ourselves. But with everything, me spilling my guts to him, thank God it was happy stuff instead of, I hate you, dad. Right? Thank God it was happy stuff. Y'all, I woke him up in the middle of the night. Now this had to be probably about 3 o'clock in the morning. My dad was a man and a creature of habit. He woke up 5 o'clock every single morning to go to the gym. He's gonna work out at 5 o'clock in the morning every single morning. It was like clockwork. I knew his whole schedule, and I woke him up. So do you wanna know what he did? He was like, hey, big head. Let me know when you get home. Who you with? What you got going on? Let me know when you get back home. So he was like, text me. So I text him when I got home. Do y'all know that man called me an hour later after I finally dozed off? An hour later. And not only did he call me, he didn't call me and say, oh, my lovely, beautiful daughter, wake up. It's time to get up. No. He called me and was like, wake your ass. His voice was rather loud. He and he would not let me get off the phone. I was like, okay, dad. I'm up. I'm glad you're awake. I'm just gonna go back to sleep. I don't have class in the morning. He was like, nah. Uh-uh. And my dad cursed a lot, so I'm not even gonna say the words that he said. But in a very nice way, he said, nah. You woke me up, so I'm a keep you up. Y'all, that man kept me on the phone in his headphones his entire workout. Petty. Petty, petty, petty. He knew I would not dare to he knew I would not dare to hang up on him, so he enjoyed every last minute of it. Y'all, by the time we got off the front phone, I was so tired. We laughed about that until our last phone conversation. So definitely good times, and it's moments like that that I am going to miss for an eternity that I wish my children could experience with my dad. Now the way I see it, I feel as though grief is the hidden companion to every life change and not just death. Granted that's what I'm grieving over currently. Death is not the only reason for grieving. We hear the word grief. We often associate it with death. But in reality, grief extends far beyond that. We grieve so many things in life and it's important to recognize and to validate every single one of those losses. Because every single one of those losses may have helped us get to a better place or into a new space that makes us who we are in this present moment. So if you've ever experienced a deep sadness or a feeling of loss, but maybe you didn't feel justified in your grief because it wasn't tied to death, this part is for you. Okay? What are some things we grieve beyond the loss of a person? What did we discuss last week in our restarting and redefining our life episode? One of the things we discussed one of the things we discussed was the end of a relationship. We can grieve the end of any type of relationship. A romantic relationship, we can grieve a friendship, the ending of a friendship, or you had to graduate from the friendship. Maybe you and your friend grew apart. Right? And the future that you imagine your friend being there for those pivotal moments, they aren't there anymore. A friend of mine's had gotten married, and for him, he was rather hurt because he always envisioned his best friend being there. But his best friend couldn't be there because they were no longer friends. That relationship had moved on. It had expired. Guess what? That's a valid thing to grieve over, and it's normal. We may be grieving over the loss of identity. I remember when my granny retired, it was different for her. She wasn't accustomed to being home all day every day. Granted, she did retire early, but it was definitely new to her. It was something that she had to get accustomed to, and she ended up grieving who she was when she was working when she felt like she was busy. She had to reassess her life, redefine who she is. Well, who she was at that time or who she wanted to be. In psychology, we call this identity grief, and that's pretty much where a part of you is no longer there, and it can feel rather discomforting to say the least. With identity grief, it's important for people to address the part of their self-concept that they feel like they have lost. And it's very important for them to find a way to reintegrate their identity back into their life in healthy ways. So usually, you'll notice people will try to start with acknowledging their loss, then they're gonna understand the emotional impact that that loss is having, meaning which emotions is this grief triggering. Then that's when you can work on rebuilding their identity, helping them develop things like resilient and acceptance. And then once they create the new narrative for their life, that's when you really start to see the difference. Then let's see. Another thing we can grieve over is our health, our physical abilities. I don't know about y'all, but I used to be able to dance all night. Well, I still can dance all night. It's just that the next day, I may feel it just a little bit in the legs. I may feel it in the legs. Right? But think about it. We can grieve the loss of our health or health scares. All of these things are worth grieving. Don't get me started on grieving major life transitions, moving, switching jobs, switching careers, watching your loved ones that you watch grow up, you're watching them go to college now, these things can trigger grief as well. And another one that I feel like does not get mentioned, but it just came to my mind, is those unrealized dreams. It's normal, and it's perfectly acceptable for us to grieve the loss of our hopes, our dreams, and our expectations. There's been times where I didn't get the job I wanted. I grieved it. I'm not saying I grieved it for a long period of time, but I did have a moment where I was like, dang. I really wanted that. I could envision the pay, how I was gonna utilize that pay, how the work environment was going to be the best work environment for me. All of these things that I had to work through simply because that's a part of life. There's gonna be moments where our expectations will not be met. For those of you who've never had moments where your expectations were not met, kudos to you. Okay? Great job. However, for most of us, sometimes we have those long held dreams that may not work out. Or think about people who went to school and who went to college or technical school and did all that studying to work in a field that they did not get their degree in, work in a field that has nothing to do with their degree. And it can be for various reasons. It could be because they realized they didn't like what they were going to school for. It's one thing to learn about a profession and learn the information that you need to be as great at that profession as possible. But it's another thing when you start to work in it. I've given examples of persons, places, things, but it's vital for me to reiterate that grief doesn't require anything tangible. It can be for a future we envision that simply never came to pass. So if you felt grief for any of this reason, I want you to know that it is valid and is a natural response to change and loss no matter what form that it takes. So allow yourself to mourn. Give yourself the grace to mourn these things and know that every single one of your experiences matters. We're all in this continuous space of constantly evolving. And with that comes letting go of who or what we once had. So this grief is just as real as anything else. Your grief is just as real as mine and vice versa. We are not in the business of having a grief contest. At no point in my life is it a goal of mine to be able to say, oh, I've grieved significant losses. I've grieved more losses than you. No. No. No. No. That is not the purpose of grieving. The first of grieving is to get on the other side and thrive. And acknowledging our grief is the very first step to our healing. And is in healing that we have to be mindful of what we are doing and where we're allowing our mind to wander off to. We have to focus on our coping strategies and the coping strategies that works for us specifically. There's a plethora of coping strategies, but what works for you? Because what works for you may not work for somebody else. As a psychology professor, I like to remind people that there's no right way to grieve, but there are right tools that can help us navigate the pain. I've mentioned several times one of my favorite ways of allowing myself to feel and get down to how I'm feeling is through journaling. And I start by writing things, very shallow things. And then I just let my mind take me what wherever it wants to go. And for whatever reason, it always takes me to exactly how I'm feeling. I'm not talking about those moments where we just project our feelings on someone else. Meaning meaning, I'm not talking about the time I'm complaining to my children about them not picking up this one toy on the floor when I realized that my real issue is that mommy had a long day. And I'm tired, and I just don't feel like cleaning. I don't feel like doing anything, but I know I have to. Journaling helps me get to realizing, girl, you were not even upset about that toy being on the ground. You really weren't. The kids are usually clean. They're young, but they usually clean up after themselves. You weren't even upset about that. You're just tired today. And then as I reread what I wrote, I realized, you know what? I did do a lot. Yesterday, I did drive about a dozen hours to Georgia or back from Georgia. I did I did stay up to record this podcast because I wanted to make sure that we still come out on our scheduled day of Tuesday at 5 AM. I did also make sure I picked out and had everything laid for my children for when it's time for them to wake up in the morning. So that way their day can start off smoothly. Journaling helps me navigate through the superficial and through the shallow, and it helps me get to what's deep what's deep within, what's actually going on with me. And every now and then, a random poem or 3 pops up as well. Oh, you know what really works for me, y'all? Physical movement. I like to dance. I don't know if it's the Haitian side of me coming out, the Bahamian side, the black side. I don't know, but I love to dance. Movement is gonna help me out. Exercising helps me out. It helps me to relieve the built up tension and the stress in my body. I can dance anywhere at any time with no shame. I have to have physical movement. It really helps my body. I see the difference. Lately, I've been going back to my yoga and walking. I've been walking several times a week. Now don't get me wrong. Sometimes when I'm grieving, exercise is the last thing that I want to do, but I know it's gonna make me feel better. I know it when I'm just freely dancing. I like doing a rhetorical dance, all types of stuff. Okay? It relieves me. Figure out what gives you release. What makes you feel better? Another thing I like to do is sing. Surprise surprise. I sing in a rather lower register compared to other women and that soothes me. I don't do it often around others, but it's something that soothes me. It's important for us to figure out what's gonna make us feel better, what's going to what's going to cause our brain to rewire itself and understand that I am choosing to not live in my grief. What is gonna help me do that? What is going to help you do that? Is it mindfulness? Meaning meditating or presenting your emotions to those you trust without judgment? Is it focusing on your breathing when your emotions feel too intense? When you feel like you're about to hyperventilate? When you have those moments where you feel like you are about to explode. You can't take anything else, and you're just trying to hold on to that last string that is keeping you together. In those times, what makes you feel better? And even if it doesn't make you feel better, what gives you hope? What reminds you to remain hopeful? Because when we think about it, there is a social aspect of grief that continuously gets overlooked even though it's just as important. When we experience a loss of any kind, it can change our social world. It can change our social identity. Others might shift in their perception of us, or we may feel alone or isolated. Sometimes, our mind can play tricks on us, and we can feel as though everyone abandoned us. But when we take the time for self reflection, we realize, hey, I didn't lose everyone. They didn't leave me. I pushed them away. That happens sometimes as well. And it's okay if that is something that has happened to you. It's okay if you're that person that push people away when you're feeling discomfort or when you're feeling those bouts of sadness and when you're grieving. But just know that you're deserving of love too. You deserve to give people the opportunity to be there for you. I know it can be difficult to say, hey, I need help. Hey, y'all. This grief is starting to swallow me. Help. And they may say, oh, how can I help you? How can I be of service? And if you don't know, it's okay to say that too, because that's your truth. And I don't know. I just know I need something. I need something to continue to make it. And it's those strong support systems that's really gonna help you cope with grief. Now don't go thinking that all support is created equal because we are not saying that. Right? We have some you may have some well meaning friends or family that say things that are not the most helpful. Right? So let's say you lose a loved one and they're just like, well, at least you know they're in a better place or and that one, I don't even mind because sometimes we know our family members are out of misery or no longer experiencing pain. The one that grinds my gears is everything happens for a reason. Granted, I know, hypocritical of me because I tell myself that, but I try not to tell other people that when they are experiencing any type of loss. Whether a purple person, place, things, something not tangible, I try my hardest to not say that. Because sometimes when we say it, it just sounds like it's a empty blanket statement when I don't need you to tell me everything happens for a reason. You wanna know what I need? I need you to just sit here and shut up, and just sit here and be quiet with me. Just sit here and be quiet with me. And that silence can be golden. So sometimes just having someone sit with you in your pain without trying to fix you or trying to find a solution for your issues or rush you through it, Sometimes it's just nice to be reminded that you're not alone, because trust me, you listening to this, if this resonates with you, you are not alone. This is gonna resonate with multiple people, with a plethora of people, because a lot of our experiences are not unique to us only. Oh, you know, it just popped into my head. So did you know that grief rituals are a cross cultural phenomena? What do I mean by this? So there is I wish I could remember their name, but there is this culture where when a loved one passes away, they clean that loved one's remains and they prop them up in their home, and they stay in their home for a week with that loved one who has passed on. And get this now, they will fix a plate for their loved one and just put it right beside them. And family come and visit them throughout the week. They change their clothes. They still, you know, keep them looking nice and fresh. That's considered a grief ritual that is different compared to what I am accustomed to especially with working in the funeral industry in Texas. When I first heard that, I was like, wow. And then it sent me down this whole rabbit path of different grief rituals. And the beauty of these grief rituals is they help us honor the lost, and it also helps us heal. When I think of the grief rituals that we do when we lose a loved one, whether it's a funeral service, a homegoing service, a celebration of life, whatever it is that your culture does for these grief rituals when you lose someone, think about how important that is for you and how it may bring you a sense of relief once it's concluded. Now that you thought about that, how about we start doing that for the other type of losses? Love when I'm on social media and I see people having their grief rituals for other type of losses. I like when I see people having retirement parties. For those people who are experiencing these different type of losses, I like when they're able to find a way to have a grief ritual that is related to it. That can help them bury that loss in a sense. Help them acknowledge that loss, work through that loss, bury that loss, and come out on the other side of that loss as a stronger person. And sometimes people don't realize that grief is a natural response to loss, and it can show up emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually. Grief is something that literally rewires our brain. There's plenty of studies that have shown that our grief affects the same areas of the brain as physical pain. That's why there's those moments where your grief can feel so overwhelming. That's why when I came when I came to from my trance of finding out that my dad had passed away, That's why I felt pain from head to toe. It felt like every cell of my body was on fire. It's normal for people to feel physically exhausted or in a fog or in my case, in a trance. There's a biological explanation for that. Think about how grief changes our brain chemistry. So, like, neurotransmitters like serotonin and dopamine, which pretty much have to do with your mood regulation. So they have the power to significantly decrease your grief, but you have to know how to tap into that. There's times where people will feel stuck in their grief. You may converse with someone or maybe you may be feeling that right now as if you're just stuck. Guess what? That's a sign of grief. When you find it hard to feel joy, when you feel numb, those are all signs of grief. Now granted, we all know. I know most of you already heard about the stages of grief, denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and acceptance. Now those are introduced by Elizabeth Cooler Ross, and it's important to note that not everyone's gonna experience all 5 of those stages. And sometimes people are gonna repeat certain stages. You may go straight into denial, then anger, then you accept it. And then after a while of acceptance, you get angry all over again. That is normal. It's okay. Grief is not linear. We're not checking off a box every time. Oh, you know what? Today, I felt sad. They have felt a little you know what? Okay. Let me check this box. Alright. I know. I know in 5 days, I'll be done experience every single one of these stages, and I'm done. No. That's not how grief works. Okay? Something may trigger you one day. You may be perfectly fine and something may trigger you, and it will bring back one of those stages. That's just how grief will work. But with understanding how grief works and with acknowledging our grief, we're able to I don't wanna say move past it. It's more so like we're able to understand that grief is valid no matter how it looks, and it's about finding a way to move forward following the loss. It's about making this loss a small part of your story. Sometimes it's about turning this loss into gasoline that fuels you to continue to move forward. I just wanna leave you I just wanna leave you with something that has been repeated. I've been repeatedly telling myself all week long. Grief is not something to fix, but it's something to hold and navigate in my own time. So be gentle with yourself. Award yourself grace. Reach out to your support system when you need it. Grief does not have to mean the end of your happiness. The beauty of grief is that in order to grieve, it means that you loved deeply, and that's something to be cherished and it's something to be honored. So hold on to it. Thank you for sharing this space with me today. If this episode resonated with you or if you are currently grieving, I want you to know that you are not in reach out to me on Instagram or our community, and let's continue this conversation together. Until next time, remember to be kind to yourself, Take it one day at a time, and have a beautiful day.