Welcome to The Art of Starting Over: Healing, Resilience, and Empowerment After Divorce

Welcome to Episode 2 of Girl, Come Sit With Me! In this episode, we dive into The Art of Starting Over. Whether you're navigating the aftermath of divorce, loss, or a major life change, this episode is your guide to rebuilding your life with resilience, self-compassion, and renewed purpose. Dom explores the journey of redefining identity and the impact of personal loss while discussing the importance of labels in shaping self-perception and the power of saying no.

Drawing from personal experiences and my background in psychology, I’ll share practical strategies for healing, redefining yourself, and embracing the beauty of new beginnings. If you're ready to leave the past behind and step into a stronger, more empowered version of yourself, this episode is for you.

Let’s talk about overcoming fear, finding inner strength, and turning life’s toughest moments into opportunities for growth. Join me as we explore how to create a life that feels aligned, purposeful, and full of possibility.
 

Chapters

• 5:56 Navigating Divorce & Identity
• 8:54 Support Systems & Mental Health
• 13:45 Recalculating Life's Route
• 19:34 Setting Goals For Personal Growth
• 24:03 A Label Exercise for Self-Discovery
• 29:40 Podcast Poem: The Tree Rooted In Self-Love

Transcript

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Starting over is not for the weak. It can be scary and uncomfortable from the fear of the unknown, fear of failure, grieving a loss of what was, the judgment from others, to anxiety due to leaving your comfort zone. But I'm here to tell you actually, let me show you because I can show you better than I can tell you that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And no, I'm not talking about the light people see when they die. I'm referring to the adventure of starting a new phase in life and how it is actively pushing me to self actualization and self discovery, building my resilience, increasing my fulfillment, and guiding me to my purpose. Because no matter the circumstances, I have the strength to reshape my life. As I begin to reflect on my journey, I realized that part of starting over meant examining the way I saw myself and the labels that have shaped me. I'm truly rebuilding after a divorce and losing some of the most important people to me. As I start over this time around at this age, I have the freedom to redefine my life as I see fit. I've experienced a loss lately, and redefining my life to who I want it to be is helping me significantly as I heal. As my power, my confidence, and my self worth grows, the more I understand that I have more control than I thought. I am who I choose to be. Welcome to girl, come sit with me. This is your safe space for untold stories, personal growth, and embracing the journey of life. With a background in psychology and a passion for healing, I explore topics like divorce, greed, motherhood, and personal transformation, sharing my experiences and poems along the way. So thanks for joining the Dom show. But do note this isn't just a podcast. It's a Viber community where women come together to support, inspire, and uplift each other. Here, we're creating a nurturing environment for sharing, connecting, and empowering one another. So expect to get real and raw. We're gonna learn some things, heal from some things, and laugh about a whole lot of things. So come sit with us, girl. Let's embark on this journey of self discovery, healing, and growth together. In our shared space, every voice is valued and together, we're stronger. As I worked through redefining myself, another layer to this journey opened up. I started to question how we look at the end of life and reflect on whether we live true to our values. So in my line of work, y'all know I study psychology, we discuss how people feel towards the end of life a lot. And multiple studies tell us that Eric Erickson was correct when he told us towards the end of our life. Towards the end of our lifetime, we reflect on our experiences, and we're either gonna feel a sense of integrity and fulfillment, or we will feel regret and despair about opportunities we miss or experiences we decline to take. It's natural for people to internally dive into who they were and if they were happy or content with what they contributed to the world, or if they feel as though they left too many things unsaid or undone. Teaching my college students about this over the years has really forced me to examine my life. How am I living, my motives, what is worth fighting for, and what's worth letting go? Because in a gazillion years when my time comes, I want to say I lived a life that was worth living to me. I will not sit in misery when I have other paths. Now don't get it twisted. I'm talking about big stuff now because I'm presently recultivating my life. Speaking of reflecting on life, let me take you back to where my journey began. Let's backtrack real quick. I was a stay at home girlfriend as I continued to grad school in Duo, aka Jacksonville. Then I became a stay at home wife in Miami and moved to a small town in Texas. And when I say small, I'm talking about 5 miles this way and 5 miles that way. Then, I became a stay at home wife in Miami, until I moved to a small town in Texas. And when I say small, I'm talking about 5 miles this way and 5 miles that way. That's it. That's all. And, no, y'all don't multiply 5 by 5. It wasn't even 25 miles. It was literally 5 miles in time. With nothing but a savings account, my husband, our 3 month old baby, and a whole lot of faith. Y'all, I loved it. Even though I was definitely missing my family, it was refreshing and definitely different. Now when I finally started working, I worked at a funeral home doing some of everything. I wasn't new to the industry, so it was easy. And I found comfort in knowing that I'm helping those who passed on be prepared for their last earthly party. I used to be in there talking to them like, girl, I see this picture of you killing them. Let me add that signature red lip. They not ready? It was an honor for me. Think about it. Someone's family was trusting us with their most prized possession, their favorite person. And quite frankly, I like being remembered as someone who was there for a family during one of the hardest times of their life. Because it's during those moments where we really see people's hearts, and that's when people really need a lot of grace, a lot of nurturing, a lot of understanding. Right? And I hear your questions already. No. It's not scary working with unliving people. Okay? It's not the dead you have to worry about, it's the living. I kept doing the job even as I transitioned into teaching at the collegiate level. I never had plans on being a professor. People kept telling me I'd be great at it, but I was allergic until I decided to use it as a stepping stone, more like a filler, until I figured out which direction of psychology I wanted to go in. So at the 3 hour interview, I was hired. But the joke was on me because y'all, I fell in love with teaching. So much so, I'm still doing it to this day. Okay? Now after being happily married and with my spouse for 9 years, pretty much a decade, it was during the last couple months of our partnership we grew in different directions, and we headed towards divorce. Now, baby, I said all that in, like, one sentence, and maybe it took me a couple seconds to say that. But don't get it twisted. That is not how quickly it happened. Okay? When it comes to marriage or even when it comes to divorce, you're gonna try and try and honor your vows until you finally reach a breaking point and say, you know what? I did what I was supposed to do, and now it's time to elegantly move on. And that's exactly what I did. I had to work through the pains and the hits that divorce gives your ego. I had to work through the judgment from others, the wishing I could give my children that happy 2 parent household where we each had a twin. Right? The deep sadness in mourning what I'm the deep sadness in mourning what I imagined for my life and my children's life, it was a journey. Quite frankly, it's still a journey as I start anew. I'm still working through a lot of it. And through all the twists and turns, one thing became clear. I had to make a shift in my mindset. I knew it was time to move forward. Something inside of me kept nudging me to go back to where my family was, to alleviate some of the stress, to release everything, including investments. Leave it all behind. Someone said to choose your heart, and it resonated with me so much. I watched my parents, my granny, everyone around me hustle. So I wasn't afraid of hard, but I was afraid of things being hard while simultaneously feeling sad and depleted. I was spiraling mentally and emotionally while hourly looking great, but I couldn't let my children know that the darkness was caving in on mommy. People think I was amazing for keeping my

children's bedtime at 7: 8:39

30 PM every night. Little do they know, when I was married, we used that time for each other to vibe and, you know, get to know each other more. Yes. Even though we were together for years, we still made an effort to get to know each other and enjoy each other's company without the jits before we got too tired. And during my divorce, where he was no longer in the home, that time turned into time where I was able to put my mask down and debrief, relax a little more. Some days, it was me simply being in the dark crying or praying. And most days I was just laying there in my room in the dark, not sleeping, just laying there because I was so depleted from forcing myself to function through the pain all day long, every day. I knew something had to give, yet I didn't have the willpower, or maybe I lacked the strength, or perhaps it was the fear of leaving everything behind that prevented me from taking that leap forward to start over, even though all the signs pointed to it being so much better than where I was. Like, reflecting on this right now has me in a very grateful stage. I'm just so grateful that I took that leap. But what got me over that leap was the ship that was sinking fast as hell. My granny passed away in her sleep on my youngest son's birthday a couple months ago. Now I was raised by my mom and granny while my dad was in college for about 15 years. And for those of you who are new here, that sounds like a long time to be in college. Ding, ding, ding. You're correct. He was locked up. Okay. Back to the story. In my mind, I still had time to transition to being home in Miami just so I can do things like take care of my granny. My mom was doing an amazing job taking care of my granny, but I grew up with her. She was my second mom. So I was looking forward to being able to spend time with my granny as much as much as possible. However, life had other plans, and a few weeks later, after my granny passed, my cousin Shane tragically passed. And in the midst of all this, I was never alone. From the time my granny passed until after I went back to Houston a month later after both of them were buried. I was not alone. I didn't have any time to get any type of solitude. So when I tell you I was supposed to be at my house in Houston for a couple weeks, more like a month or so, y'all, it did not happen that way at all. Okay? As I pondered on if I wanted my boys to go in school in Miami or Houston, I was also pondering on several other things, including me starting a new chapter because something just had to give. I would know that I was afraid of the unknown, and looking back on it, I was afraid of being better than I already was. So I got back to my house in Houston and was just stuck. Y'all, I could not stop crying. Everything felt like a daunting task. Showering was a task. Getting out of bed was a task. Hell, getting up for any reason was a task. My homegirl was like, Dom, I see it. You are not okay. And she was right. I wasn't. I wasn't okay at all. And it makes my eyes watery now just to think about how not okay I was. I have a couple homegirls and one homeboy, who was also my kickball coach, who stayed up the street from me, and they all have a code to my house. And they took turns bringing me food, turning on the lights in my house because, y'all, I just I would just be there. I I'm trying to articulate it as best as I can, but I was just there. They were literally coming over to remind to remind me to eat. And I can proudly talk about this now because I know someone is listening that may be in that space, or someone maybe you've been in that space maybe you've been in that space before and you've overcome it. If you're in that space now, just know you are not alone. I get it. It is it's just so daunting, and it's not something that's easy to express when you're in it because you have to really be able to even say or understand why you can't get out of bed, why you cannot leave your room, or why you're looking out the window, and you see the sun come up, and it seems like you blink, and the sun is going down, and you've been in the same space looking out that same window. So I'm really grateful for my support system and the support that I had in Houston because they truly helped me with no judgment and open hearts. I'm not a scary person, but I definitely went through a time where I was afraid to be home alone. And when I went through those times, I was at their houses just there. Now this went on for days, and one day I had to get my car inspected just to renew the registration. It's a Texas thing y'all. So, yes, you have to get your car inspected there. And I was outside of AutoZone on my phone with my own girl, Megan, and I was just sobbing. I couldn't figure anything out. I couldn't really see the next day. I knew the next day was coming for me. I just couldn't see what I was supposed to do in the next day. How could I make it through? Yeah. She simply told me to get back to Miami and call my best friend for some bread to do it since it was gonna be super abrupt. Okay? It took her candidly and lovingly telling me, girl, go back home to your family for a while. Snap out of it. Go home. You know you need to go home. You know you need to be surrounded by loved ones. What is keeping you here? What is keeping you here? Just go. Now personally, I have this problem of keeping my word, even if it's to my own detriment. So in my mind, I had to stay in Houston at least a few more weeks simply because that was my plan. She was like, bump that plan, recalculate route, recalculating route, and take your ass home, girl. So, y'all, guess what? I did exactly what she said. And as I was still crying, mind you, I called my best friend. I don't know how he understood any word that I said, but I thank God he was able to at least piece together through myself what I was trying to say. So I told him exactly what Megan said, need to just come home, and I agreed with her. And it was in this moment I had my first genuine smile in a while because he said, don't. I've been telling you to come home. At this point, you're choosing to be miserable. And you know what? He was right. I was making myself sick because I had a deep attachment to those labels I used to have. Even though I still have my house, leaving Houston that time felt like I was losing my identity, and it was incredibly overwhelming to take that step forward. In the next step, I knew I couldn't create any more memories with my granny or see my cousin Shane at Albany anymore or and this one was the hardest identity to drop. I knew in the next stage, I wasn't a wife. So much of my identity was being a wife, and I had to shift my mindset to understanding I'm still a wife, just not to that husband anymore. And that made it easier to cope with. Starting over can feel like a loss of identity, and I'm currently redefining who I am without those labels. I have mourned those labels that I loved and cherished, and now I have deliberately shifted my focus to the labels of my choosing. And with my shift in mindset, I knew I couldn't just stop there. I needed a plan, actual steps to guide my healing and help me truly start over. And me starting over took a village. I'm talking about my village from Houston, Miami, the rest of my family that is scattered all across the US. It took a village. I was still in that dark space. So even when I was leaving Houston that time, I lived back and forth, it still felt impossible. I needed a plan. And even though I couldn't fully see the plan then, my village helped me get over the hump in closing that chapter. My friend, Ashanae, her mom, Samir, they came over to my house and packed up the things that I needed for me to be in Miami for a while. Mind you, I was so I don't wanna say broken, but I was in such a dark space watching them do all of this for me, watching them do things that I knew I just had no capacity to do really left this mark on me, and it gave me a resurgence of energy. It was like my village was my beacon of hope. And with them giving me hope, it reminded me, like, girl, we gotta get this going. We have to start these steps, actual steps to guide my healing and help me truly start over. So I suppose I count that as my first step, and my first step I didn't even take for myself. My loved ones took that step for me, and I'm for forever grateful for it. As we get to know each other, you'll peep that I believe in breaking down any big goal I have into small, obtainable goals. And I'm gonna celebrate each step of the way, with cake, I might add. But, I mean, that's not here nor there. I knew I had to get out of a slump, and my therapist kept telling me throughout my divorce that we need to increase my self worth. At that time, I didn't understand because, y'all, I know I'm fine. I look good, and I know it, and I believe it. I'm me. Okay? However, I did need to value myself more because my confidence took a couple hits. Self worth is vital to the art of starting over. What's the purpose of you redefining yourself only to give yourself the same definition? I broke redefining myself, this giant goal, down into 3 goals, increasing my self awareness, which my label exercise is perfect for. I had to look at myself from different points of views, right, and really examine how I how I am and examine how I'm perceived, the energy that I give off. Then I had to stand on business with my boundaries. That was goal number 2. Do you have issues with setting boundaries? It's easy to set a boundary, but what are the consequences for others when they don't respect or ignore your boundaries? My consequences of someone's action of purposefully going past my boundaries is to cut down the access that that person has to me. You gonna miss me, boo. I know how to fade into the background real quickly. And this goal included saying no with no explanation and no guilt. The answer is no. This had my anxiety through the roof at first. But as I get older, it's getting easier. Someone asked me to go to the club with them the other day. They started off asking what I was doing that night, and I told them I was chilling. And I suppose since I told them that, they thought since I had no plans, I would say yes. But little did they know I had no desire. I wanted to chill with my mom, my children, and my brother. So I didn't offer any explanation. I simply said, no. I'm good. Thanks for inviting me, though. For some of you, that may sound like a very small win, but I was hella proud of myself. I felt no guilt. I said no. I didn't offer any explanation, and I made sure that with my tone, I wasn't rude about it. Now I set 3 goals, so my 3rd goal is actually my favorite goal simply because it's tedious. So my last and my favorite small goal was redefining what success means to me. I'm no longer the woman I was 10 years ago, 3 years ago, hell, last year. As I evolve, I owe it to myself to define what success means to me currently. Right now, I miss so many years of time with them. So it's about quality time with my family and friends, following my passions, and being authentic. I just wanna be authentically me and whatever that means on that particular phase of my life. But wait y'all. There is a honorary mention of small goals that I recently added and is focusing on self compassion. Now this one, I'm still currently working through because it is something new that I recently added. And by recently, I mean, like, yesterday. My self compassion is in forgiving myself for being trusting and so naive sometimes. I am a optimistic person. I like to see the good in people, but I have to remember that not everyone has the best intention. So I tell myself, girl, it's okay. You're growing. You're learning. So let's learn from this. What can we learn from this? Okay. Good job. And now let's move on. As I continue this path, I want to leave you with some final thoughts on how you can apply these steps to your own journey. Remember when I said we're in this together? We healing together, learning together, laughing together. Well, I meant that. The other day, I heard someone explain why they didn't like labels and how labels can be misleading, and they felt that labels were very limiting. And, personally, I disagree. As someone who is on the journey of starting over or starting anew and redefining myself, the annoying side of labels really comes into play when we're being labeled with the labels that don't coincide with who we are or who we want to be. I did this exercise where I wrote down every label that has been given to me, whether it was good or bad. I didn't focus on if I agree with the label or not because at this phase of the exercise, I simply needed to only write the labels that were thrusted upon me. Matter of fact, we can do this exercise together. Feel free to pause this podcast, but girl, don't forget to come back. Now let's get into some examples of labels. What I did was I started with the most obvious, and I kept going from there. So woman, heterosexual, mom, cousin, sister, daughter, funny, smart, annoying, optimistic, thick, skinny, slim thick, strong black woman, boss, negative Nancy, and I just kept going. But the important part of this is to be honest. Be honest with yourself and think of labels from friends, families, foes, haters, and society. Once I completed that, I went over every single label I wrote down 3 times. The first time, I put a check by all the labels I agree with and an x by the labels I did not agree with. The second time I went over the list, I thought about how each one made me feel. Are there any reoccurring themes? Do any of these labels affect my self esteem? Do they make me sad? Are they pissing me off? Do I feel misunderstood? If so, what about that label made me feel this way? Add labels you feel are missing to give you a more accurate version of who you want to be. Or think of people that you admire and add labels that they may possess that you would like to see work for you as well. For instance, for me, I added the label of consistency. I am very tenacious, so my determination and persistence is on point. However, the art of performing a task repeatedly over long term is an ongoing battle. Shoot. Every episode of this podcast is me proving to myself that I can and I am consistent. Now after I did all this with the labels, I had to give myself time to come up with an action plan. Now this label exercise was nice, but I still had to come up with an action plan. So I asked myself, how do you plan on getting to a place where these labels ring true? It's not enough for us to just say, okay, this is who I wanna be. No, that's not gonna cut it. And I'm also not gonna tell myself that I'll start tomorrow, or the top of next week, or the top of the year. No. Nope. I told myself, I'm gonna start today, right now. Do I have moments where I slip and fall and hurt my little hiney? Absolutely. Oh, my bad job. I'm thick. I'm slim thick. And my favorite mirror, and potentially only that mirror agrees. But for real, I make it a point to award myself grace on this journey of starting anew. I messed up. Okay. I acknowledge it. I learned from what triggered it, and I try my best to move on from it. I have to remember to award myself grace. Life is gonna reprimand us in different ways anyway, so no need of me causing myself any additional grief. That's what I'm not gonna do. Share your experiences with labels and how they made you feel so we can discuss them on the next episode or maybe on our maybe on the Instagram page at girl come sit with me. I know I'm not the only one, and I would love to hear how the exercise work for you. Y'all, it was brought to my attention that I would have so much grace for everyone else but myself. Well, you said you would do something for me and you reneged at the last minute with a lame excuse and it put me in a bind. No problem. That was on me. I shoulda had a plan b and c in place. This go round of my life, I'm making the conscious effort to award myself the same grace that I give to others. It's an ongoing battle, but I'm staying consistent, and it's getting easier and easier as my understanding of my self worth increases. I see my value, and in seeing my value, I know that I deserve just as much grace as I give to others. And now we turn the page to a space where words take flight and emotions find their voice. Welcome to our poetry corner, where each verse caresses the soul and each line dances in the moonlight. So take a deep breath, let the rhythm guide you, and immerse yourself in the power of poetry. Here's a piece from my heart to yours. Hey. Self love is empowering as fuck. Baby, I'm pouring into me. You know, I'm that big thing that's moving with the wind. Yeah. That tree. You can't miss it. Big energy. Overpowering for some. I remember when I tried to shrink for some, be less than me for some, blend in more for someone else's comfortability. Those roots are dead. They've died. I look up and see the leaves dried, brown. The rain came and I couldn't soak up. Shit. Shit. Let me fix my crown. Now I'm flowing with the breeze, swaying, allowing the rain to water me, drenching my own thirst, seeing the God in me. Self love is empowering as fuck because, bitch, I'm me. I'm the tree with the big feet. My trunk flaking off what's not meant for me. Trusting what God has sent for me. Everything isn't for everybody. But at this phase, I can see what's meant for me. Only looking back to see how far I've come. They say time is an illusion, but it's time. And this time, I'm treasuring me. Thank you for sitting with me. Oh, girl. Come sit with me. I can't wait to see you every Tuesday when I drop new episodes. Make sure to subscribe, follow me on everything at girl. Come sit with me. Leave a rating and drop a review to let me know how you're feeling. And as always, have a beautiful day.